Dark at Night

It's very dark in here right now - only my keyboard/monitor are lighting the whole of my face and hands. Chris is sleeping and I always try to be as quiet and non-intrusive as possible. Today was a pretty hectic day - my longest school day of the week, all 5 classes! It started off early because I had to study some for Biblical Hebrew, and then I realized I studied the wrong thing for class! Fun... But that class was fun, and then so was physics, calc, linear, and finally New Testament. After all this I worked in the lounge amidst various Heightsies (including Tim) for a little while, until Birds of Shame (RHCP anyone?) had me running out into the snow. Basically, I tripped and the snow wasn't as soft as I had hoped for, so my arm paid the price for it (but at least it looks like I was in a fight with a velociraptor, right???!!). So then nap, dinner, more Heights shenanigans and now I'm sitting here listening to Weezer through my headphones (they're the perfect amount of mellow and goodness for late night listening).

So, what's on my mind you might ask? Well, not a whole lot, I guess. Tomorrow I have lab, then infinite homework for Friday, so that's not concerning to me right now (present me constantly ruins life for future me in those regards, but present me doesn't care and future me never rebukes past me for my transgressions to myself! It's beautiful =)). I'm in a weird state right now, approaching one my my "twilight" moods I like to call them (maybe I'll explain that sometime...), as I'm not really tired, life around me is still, and nothing terribly pressing is on my mind or heart right now. Generally, not a bad situation to be in! But I'll do my best to entertain, as this has been a pretty boring post so far.

I'll let you in on something different - I'm a stereotypical "nice-guy" in my lone time and in my mind most of the time. I am not much for hating anymore, I desire people's happiness, I hope all the time for the best for everyone I know. One of my quirky things is that whenever I see one of the "magical wishing times" on a clock (such as 1:23, 1:11, 11:11, 1:35, 12:34, etc.), I always wish for the happiness or well being of someone close to me. For example, if someone has an up-coming test, I'll simply wish for them to do well or have confidence in their ability to do well. Sometimes it's an all encompassing wish for someone to be happy in general (I usually do this more for those certain girls to whom I am especially inclined. What can I say, I'm a chump and a half?) Continuing off some past post, this might help to explain why I do not get along or stand well people whom I find to be insincere in their intentions. I simply believe there is no reason to be so, as even if someone is as such to gain some advantage, wouldn't it be better to gain that advantage in a good sense? I don't actually believe it is always or by a rule of thumb harder to simply be sincere in all your actions that further your own life. This can get into a grey area unfortunately - what is considered sincere and insincere, and moreover how does that relate to doing good or bad?

I generally view this as being sincere/insincere and being good/bad are mutually exclusive, and are only seen to relate to each other through coincidence. Obviously, we like to believe that someone who is sincere in all their actions will act nicely and in a good sense, but people can be very sincere about doing very bad acts. This makes judging people's *actions* near impossible, as only the intent behind it matters in an ethical/moral sense. You can save the whole world, but if you did it to gain control of the world, well, that's not a very good thing. Some may say the end justifies the means, but I think that's a cop out that allows for some incredibly scary actions (basically free license to do whatever you want, as long as good comes out of it). Is any amount of good ever worth doing evil? Can you murder one person in order to save all the rest? Practically and logically, it's no contest - the answer is yes. But ethically and morally, you can't justify the murder of one for any cause whatsoever (this I assume is my personal stance, I don't think it's inarguable, this may have much to do with my "nice-guy" mentality.

Most people don't know my stances and beliefs on much of anything, because I never really offer them freely. I don't like arguing with people over things that matter to me, because it absolutely tears my "soul" to pieces in a searing fire to have people talk about how little life means to them. When it comes to this matter, I'm simply irreconcilable, and I will not give ground to anyone - life is important, more so than all the petty matters you can throw at me combined. With this information, I assume you can make some accurate estimates about my stance on some "issues" as people like to call them, but I won't explicitly state them now, I have no need or desire. I think one of my ultimate goals in life is to find someone who cares as much about life as I do (not an easy task, I assure you!). I have some good feelings about a few people, but I'll never know until I ask and find out for sure (what a double entendre that was! Oh goodness, I give too much away to the world! I'm so subtle...)

So, does this make me less of the rock-like, razor-edged individual you thought I was? I only have a good idea, not a whole idea, of how most people view me (generally because I only tell people certain things and act in certain ways - this seems rather manipulative, but I'm not doing it out of malice. I simply don't want people to view me in ways I wouldn't view myself, which is strange, because I often say that I don't care how people think about me! This is getting paradoxical! But don't worry, it's not too bad. I don't care how people view me whom I do not care about, that's pretty much to what it boils down. Sometimes I care too much what a certain person *cough*I'm a chump*cough* thinks about me, but I tend to keep it in good moderation, right??? Probably not, I'm nuts). I think I'm just a little too nuts and I try too hard sometimes. But life wouldn't be any fun if I didn't go overboard every now and then! I just have to remember to bring it back to earth every now and again...

So, do I care what people think about me? No, I hate people judging me. I think not keeping an open-mind all the time is bad. (And I'm not perfect myself, but I give a lot of leeway to people..)

So, do I care what people think about me? Hell yes! I hate it when people hate me. If my friends don't like me, then wtf am I doing living amongst all the people of this world?

Okay, I'm deviating and regressing and progressing and transgressing (not really, but it's a fun word!). So, to sum it up....

Birds of Shame, Banana Cream Pie, Judging - Bad, Life - Good, Chump Change/<3 Sick Puppy, Weezer (My Best Friend - GREAT song), It's fudging dark in here, Purring (I'm so tacky), Classes, Homework, Adonai/Jesus/YHWH, etc, etc, etc...

Erm, good night! You're my beeeessstt friend, and I looooovvvveeee youuuu. Yes I do. OAO