Da Bears

Okay, George Winston piano music is pretty depressing. But it's pretty good, too.

Summer is pretty well under way. I'm in the process of cleaning out my room. It's taking a long time because there's just so much stuff to sift through, and I have to throw a bunch of it out. This means I'm trying to soak up all the old memories one last time in hopes I'll remember some of it way down the road. And don't worry, I'm still keeping some things (generally the more important things). I dunno, I feel like after my first year at college, I've changed considerably. I'm more able to just let material things go and get on with life. I still have the memories of things somewhere in my head, so nothing is really lost. And even if I do never remember many little things, those things are not especially important to remember. They're just little niceties that make me smile.

Life's a weird thing. My perception of it seems to constantly time. Now it's kind of in a maturing stage since I feel myself getting older. But I'm not sure this new perception is necessarily better or more worthwhile. It's just different, older. I guess it's based on more experiences so it has more 'street cred.' Who knows? I usually like my own perceptions and positions on life because I make them myself! It's funny how that works.

I'm not really sure where my life is going. Obviously it's going on the same track of college and then probably grad school, but metaphorically and meaningfully, I'm just coasting along as always, experiencing things as they come. I think I may finally have decided to achieve something morally and meaningfully, though. I'm in the process of laying out ideas and the basic foundation for a story I want to write (like long story, book length!). I have the basic premise and all, and I have a scene and therefore three characters already. I have the main character to an extent. It's just hard to think of a good backstory, and good motivations for the characters. There's also a problem of action and plot - I don't have driving motivation for anything to go in any direction yet. I should probably know the ending before I get too far into it, shouldn't I? Maybe it's not that important, but then the book would be more about the journey to get to some unknown ending, and I'm not sure I want it to be like that exactly.

It should be interesting to say the least. I have a fun idea for extended dialogue/monologues that is truly in my own fashion. It's a pretty heavy idea emotionally, so it'll take a lot of work to actually be able to get through it, but that's where the challenge comes in. I see it as the first meaningful self-contained body of work I will have done (that's rather large, to clarify). Maybe I'm over-looking things with that statement, but I will say that it's inherently different from things I have done previously in my life, so it should be meaningful to me.

I think I'm finally starting to warm up to my personality, and be more expressively myself. This has always been incredibly difficult for me because I have such sharp edges and furious passions, but things are kind of melting off and rounding out. It's rather hard to describe, but I think my innate sense of goodness that few rarely ever see is starting to rise to the surface. Probably because I'm starting to view life differently and act in more accordance with that. My trepidations about all of it still get the best of me, for the most part, though. I still have too much trouble with evil and insincerity. I just can't accept them.

The biggest problem for me is that I'm headed down a path I always knew I was heading down, but I've never really wanted. It's not bad; it's not evil; it's incredibly sincere. But I just have never wanted it. I don't like what it means for me, even if it is a very good thing. I dunno. There's not much I can really do about it; it's always just been taking its course since forever. Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

I'm sure I'll have more to say soon... I always do, even if it doesn't get written here.
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