Bubblegum Wrapper

A lot of crazy stuff has been going on lately. Nothing too significant for other people, but I think really important for me, at least. I'm in the most peculiar state of mind and being and it's just getting weirder as it continues.

Being home is a wonderful thing. Everything seems right again; it's all so safe and warming. No other place will ever be my home, for better or worse.

I missed having a real subwoofer. I did not realize how much until right now. I missed having my juice all the time. I missed that feeling of complete connection with the world, and having decisions and actions be completely meaningless in light of simply existing. It's a dangerous feeling, really. On one hand, it doesn't do anything to give life meaning or purpose; it's just a blind acceptance and complete carelessness for details. On the other hand, it's uncontrollably liberating; it's impossible to be bothered by trivialities or even great evils, to some extent. I can just walk around, sleep during the part of the day for which I do not want to be awake, acknowledge the sunset and really appreciate the sunrise, and generally live in this world in a way that's quite welcoming.

Celtics lost in the playoffs. At least next year KG will be playing again.

A very strange and sad thing happened just recently, too. 3D Realms, now Apogee Software (their old name that they've now gone back to) just went under. They had to lay off everyone, and now it's just Scott and George (as far as I know). For all those who don't know, they made the Duke Nukem games, and were scheduled to make Duke Nukem Forever, which is notorious for having the longest game development cycle of all time (12 years now!). Everyone was always saying DNF would never come out, because they restarted it 3 times, and generally they wanted to make it the perfect game.

Just this year, it seemed to the public eye that it might have a chance of actually coming out. Obviously this was a hopeful interpretation, but it seemed just as likely as any time before. Then, we get a strange press release from them that they couldn't strike a deal with Take Two (who was publishing/financing the game to some degree), and so they had to let the whole development team go and there's gone the company! And Take Two are now suing them for damages or some such. Wow.

It's really strange. Duke Nukem 3D is by far my favorite game of all time. I've spent more hours playing that than most every other game combined (I played it *that* much), and I've always followed 3D Realms closely on the website and all, got their other games (Wolf 3D anybody? =P Death Rally, Raptor: Call of the Shadows (an all-time great!), Max Payne!), and have just generally been a fan of them in general.

I always had hopes for DNF, and never assumed it would be canceled and that it would always come out. It didn't really matter to me if it took 12 or more years, I was always there waiting and reading the most recent updates and all. I think I never got impatient for it because I always believed it was going to come out, and generally be my next favorite game, and quite possibly the best FPS of all time (right now I still believe DooM holds that title. The very first one, thank you).

But now it seems like all the pessimists were correct; DNF will never be completed and released. While it technically is still possible (we don't know how far it is from completion right now, the guys said around 90% maybe?) for it to be released, it, uhh, doesn't look good, so to speak. It's really strange, considering it's probably my longest standing hope (I was 7 when it started being made, that's a long time ago!).

It's very strange and quite annoying that I'd have to lose my life's longest standing hope right now, of all times. It's especially strange because STALKER (it was in development forever, too) actually came out and thus kind of proved that hope in DNF was valid. And I had nearly as much desire to play that as DNF (as close as you could get, DNF was the ultimate video game for me, STALKER, while an ideal idea, was still second best).

So what now? Well, gaming-wise, I won't have DNF on my list of games to wait for (unless we hear anything about it, I doubt it) release. Not a bad thing, as it would have happened eventually, but I always thought it would then immediately go to my list of owned and loved games. Not so. So I'll still look forward to games announced in the immediate future (like STALKER: CoP, Diablo 3, DooM 4, Rage, Mass Effect 2, and probably some others), but I'll have no games in the back of my mind to be like: Hey can't wait for the day that happens!

Ah well, I guess the world doesn't always work out the way you'd think it would. This was one possibility I had never anticipated (them going out of business as the reason for DNF to be canceled). It's sad in its own right, and I don't exactly know how to approach it. I guess I'll just remember the wait for it with nostalgia sometime in the future, and think of what might have been. And since it technically still could come out, maybe I'll look back and say: what a terrible time, indeed! Scared me so much...

Maybe the worst part is it seems like the world is trying to tell me something that I don't want to hear. I don't know how stubborn and unrelenting I can be in light of everything being thrown at me. But, I'm sure I haven't been pushed too far quite yet. I can push back pretty hard, so only time will tell what waits for me.

On a lighter note, being home means I get to be me; so I think of surprised a few people who thought they had some idea about me. ;) Most people don't get that chance, so it's nice when someone does and appreciates it. I think I might just be able to pull off being more in harmony with myself, too. Time will tell, indeed.

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