Late

It feels incredibly late, and already in this sentence I've had a few spelling errors I've had to fix. I'm just approaching a full day of wakefulness now (16 hour standard), so naturally I should be ready for bed-tired. But it's layered on extra thick because I stayed up so long yesterday and didn't get more than 8 hours of sleep last night to make up for it. So that means that I'm really tired and if I go to sleep now it'll be at the same time as yesterday. And I can't promise I'll sleep more than 8 hours (I don't sleep for very long, lately). So therefore I can't promise progress if I don't stay up at least a little later!

Maybe that's why I'm writing this (well no, it isn't, but I can give a practical reason, can't I???). I have some nice background music (DooM 1 and 2 remixes from OCRemix.org. Srsly, go check it out!), and I just finished watching the *second* Joan Fontaine movie in a row. (There's an Alfred Hitchcock marathon on TCM all day - no commercials, no editing! A good motivation for staying up) And holy bageezus, she might be the prettiest lady who has ever lived! She also did a really great job in both movies (Suspicion and Rebecca), and I guess the Academy agreed - she was nominated for one and won the Oscar for the other.

I guess that relates more to why I'm writing, but I'll finish the semantics first. Since Sacred 2 has been borked, I installed Far Cry and Quake 4. I had issues the first time playing Far Cry (read: didn't like it so I didn't get very far), so I'm made it my mission to eventually try it again and have some fun with it. That means I'm replaying Quake 4 (WHICH IS AWESOME).

I've been doing some hardcore music listening recently (nothing out of the ordinary). I've also started watching Burn Notice, and I think it's a very well made show, especially for USA.

There's been a change of plans for coming back to MA - now the ferry ride is scheduled for Tuesday at 1100! Dad has a Monday appointment, so we decided to just stay the extra few days instead of go home and come back.

It has been really rainy down here, but it's finally nice for a couple days. We had a great thunderstorm last night (which I woke up to). I've pretty much ceased the great war on spiders that began in my room weeks ago. There are just too many down here to make a fight plausible. So basically I'm stuck doing recon and avoiding them as they wander around the corners/ceiling. I've positioned my bed in the middle of the big bedroom and have no covers hanging over the edge of the bed to deter spiders wandering up there while I sleep. So far it's been successful. And so far I haven't seen any mean looking spiders. There was one giant wood spider that was chilling on the outside steps, though. (Dad took that one out)

I've been having some pretty cool dreams lately. Too tired right now to remember many specific things, but mostly they're just random dreams that involve most of my friends. They're fairly enjoyably random, as I don't really have anything plaguing my mind right now. This gives them free range to just do whatever, instead of focus as an outlet of upset emotions or what have you.

My loner persona is getting a little extreme and edged out lately. It's definitely taking full advantage of the lull in emotional turbulence or stress. I guess in that respect it's a little bit of a dangerous time to go through a(n outward?) change - there's nothing to keep it in check or bounded as there's nothing to check it against on any quotidien(ne) basis. {There's the phenomenon where I will start speaking/using French words when I become tired. I don't understand why it happens that I remember French/certain French words better than English words sometimes when I'm tired. Shouldn't my life-long reinforcement of all things English give them priority in order of thought appearance? Maybe French is still just fresher in my memory. I dunno}

I'm starting to get a little anxious as to how this much more loner-oriented mentality is going to play out for me. I've never been a big fan of the super-cool or removed disposition that so often comes out, so this seems like it's just going to be way too far in that direction. Maybe all my worries are unwarranted - I mean, this *is* me, and I'm changing into myself only. If future me happens to be radically different than present me, that's not really a bad thing. It's just different. It's just scary to think about.

It's similar to what I always used to worry about - amnesia and what it means to be living. If you can't remember who you are, is that a fate worse than death? I came to conclusions that the answer was a resounding no, but it would still be incredibly tragic. This fear of memory loss came to a strange height - where I would (for strings of up to maybe 5 minutes at a time) continually think to myself (you're going to forget this moment - what you're thinking right now). Somehow I got it into my head that forgetting *anything* meant that I was completely losing myself, just as if I had total amnesia (because losing a part of me was equivalent to losing the whole of me at any one moment in time - cool, eh?).

Needless to say, it was rather stupid and an obnoxious waste of my own thoughts. I generally never view things as a waste because you do what you want at the time, so you achieve what you wanted when you do something. But this really was a waste. I guess I did it with some hopes of spurring myself to remember all the moments when I had this conversation with myself. But honestly, why the heck would I ever want to remember myself telling myself that I was going to forget the very exact wording of what I was saying (which was that I was going to forget, anyways!). It was all very contrived and pointless. An example of how a possibly rational fear can lead to an irrational fear and then to utter nonsense. (I still remember very well quite a few times I did it, and the exact words I used, too! Funny how that works, eh? =P)

I don't think I'm meant for conventional love (if I am even meant for love at all). This loner mentality is seriously skewing my thoughts, needs, desires and feelings about love. I'm going from the ultimate romantic to ultimately nonchalant. Maybe I just need to give loneliness some time to kick in and set my head straight, but more and more it seems like I'm just changing. It doesn't really seem fair - I used to be so proud of my feelings and passionate nature. Now I really don't believe I'll be able to write how I used to, or even close, or even in the same vein. And without my poetry, God, I shudder to think. You can't take that away from me, can you?...

Here's hoping for the best... At least that has never changed.
1208