Late

It feels incredibly late, and already in this sentence I've had a few spelling errors I've had to fix. I'm just approaching a full day of wakefulness now (16 hour standard), so naturally I should be ready for bed-tired. But it's layered on extra thick because I stayed up so long yesterday and didn't get more than 8 hours of sleep last night to make up for it. So that means that I'm really tired and if I go to sleep now it'll be at the same time as yesterday. And I can't promise I'll sleep more than 8 hours (I don't sleep for very long, lately). So therefore I can't promise progress if I don't stay up at least a little later!

Maybe that's why I'm writing this (well no, it isn't, but I can give a practical reason, can't I???). I have some nice background music (DooM 1 and 2 remixes from OCRemix.org. Srsly, go check it out!), and I just finished watching the *second* Joan Fontaine movie in a row. (There's an Alfred Hitchcock marathon on TCM all day - no commercials, no editing! A good motivation for staying up) And holy bageezus, she might be the prettiest lady who has ever lived! She also did a really great job in both movies (Suspicion and Rebecca), and I guess the Academy agreed - she was nominated for one and won the Oscar for the other.

I guess that relates more to why I'm writing, but I'll finish the semantics first. Since Sacred 2 has been borked, I installed Far Cry and Quake 4. I had issues the first time playing Far Cry (read: didn't like it so I didn't get very far), so I'm made it my mission to eventually try it again and have some fun with it. That means I'm replaying Quake 4 (WHICH IS AWESOME).

I've been doing some hardcore music listening recently (nothing out of the ordinary). I've also started watching Burn Notice, and I think it's a very well made show, especially for USA.

There's been a change of plans for coming back to MA - now the ferry ride is scheduled for Tuesday at 1100! Dad has a Monday appointment, so we decided to just stay the extra few days instead of go home and come back.

It has been really rainy down here, but it's finally nice for a couple days. We had a great thunderstorm last night (which I woke up to). I've pretty much ceased the great war on spiders that began in my room weeks ago. There are just too many down here to make a fight plausible. So basically I'm stuck doing recon and avoiding them as they wander around the corners/ceiling. I've positioned my bed in the middle of the big bedroom and have no covers hanging over the edge of the bed to deter spiders wandering up there while I sleep. So far it's been successful. And so far I haven't seen any mean looking spiders. There was one giant wood spider that was chilling on the outside steps, though. (Dad took that one out)

I've been having some pretty cool dreams lately. Too tired right now to remember many specific things, but mostly they're just random dreams that involve most of my friends. They're fairly enjoyably random, as I don't really have anything plaguing my mind right now. This gives them free range to just do whatever, instead of focus as an outlet of upset emotions or what have you.

My loner persona is getting a little extreme and edged out lately. It's definitely taking full advantage of the lull in emotional turbulence or stress. I guess in that respect it's a little bit of a dangerous time to go through a(n outward?) change - there's nothing to keep it in check or bounded as there's nothing to check it against on any quotidien(ne) basis. {There's the phenomenon where I will start speaking/using French words when I become tired. I don't understand why it happens that I remember French/certain French words better than English words sometimes when I'm tired. Shouldn't my life-long reinforcement of all things English give them priority in order of thought appearance? Maybe French is still just fresher in my memory. I dunno}

I'm starting to get a little anxious as to how this much more loner-oriented mentality is going to play out for me. I've never been a big fan of the super-cool or removed disposition that so often comes out, so this seems like it's just going to be way too far in that direction. Maybe all my worries are unwarranted - I mean, this *is* me, and I'm changing into myself only. If future me happens to be radically different than present me, that's not really a bad thing. It's just different. It's just scary to think about.

It's similar to what I always used to worry about - amnesia and what it means to be living. If you can't remember who you are, is that a fate worse than death? I came to conclusions that the answer was a resounding no, but it would still be incredibly tragic. This fear of memory loss came to a strange height - where I would (for strings of up to maybe 5 minutes at a time) continually think to myself (you're going to forget this moment - what you're thinking right now). Somehow I got it into my head that forgetting *anything* meant that I was completely losing myself, just as if I had total amnesia (because losing a part of me was equivalent to losing the whole of me at any one moment in time - cool, eh?).

Needless to say, it was rather stupid and an obnoxious waste of my own thoughts. I generally never view things as a waste because you do what you want at the time, so you achieve what you wanted when you do something. But this really was a waste. I guess I did it with some hopes of spurring myself to remember all the moments when I had this conversation with myself. But honestly, why the heck would I ever want to remember myself telling myself that I was going to forget the very exact wording of what I was saying (which was that I was going to forget, anyways!). It was all very contrived and pointless. An example of how a possibly rational fear can lead to an irrational fear and then to utter nonsense. (I still remember very well quite a few times I did it, and the exact words I used, too! Funny how that works, eh? =P)

I don't think I'm meant for conventional love (if I am even meant for love at all). This loner mentality is seriously skewing my thoughts, needs, desires and feelings about love. I'm going from the ultimate romantic to ultimately nonchalant. Maybe I just need to give loneliness some time to kick in and set my head straight, but more and more it seems like I'm just changing. It doesn't really seem fair - I used to be so proud of my feelings and passionate nature. Now I really don't believe I'll be able to write how I used to, or even close, or even in the same vein. And without my poetry, God, I shudder to think. You can't take that away from me, can you?...

Here's hoping for the best... At least that has never changed.
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Waiting... - City and Colour

Last day in Long Island for a little while, at least. Coming home on the 1100 ferry (Susan Anne). Long Island has been pretty rainy/overcast everyday so far, with maybe one exception where there was some blue sky. The second trip to the grocery store (a few days ago) saw a setting sun right on the horizon. When we first pulled out I thought the yellow/golden aura was just a mistake and did not look in that direction again for a few minutes. When I finally did, it was a beautiful sight, and there was something incredibly sad about it. I don't know why; I wasn't sad. But it just had a look to it, a certain feeling.

And I thought that scenes and beautiful things like that happen all over the world, and there are times and places when just one singular person sees something so beautiful and maybe sad. That singularity gives it an incredible sense of loneliness, but at the same time a very special, unique feeling. It's something I have always liked to call twilight sadness/happiness, depending on the mood, I guess. It's all ethereal and disconnected from reality, to an extent. But then again, it *is* reality, so it makes me question what reality is. Most of the time everyone defines it as the most practical, mundane, sane and concrete part of life. Like a 9-5 job, or going to see a movie, doing taxes, riding a bike, getting a bruise, making a call, digging a hole, building a house, etc... But I think reality has distinct qualities that are unexplainable, can only be experienced through feelings, intuitions, emotions, etc. The world is a very strange place, and I think that abstractness is not really embraced by people as a whole; it's too unsettling and uncomfortable. I think I live in and relish it too much for most people; I'm weird.

I realize my paragraphs are probably too long most of the time, but the typing window here is much wider than the final version in the blog, so I'm constantly being mislead! Sorry if it makes it daunting to read sometimes.

We got some Chinese food last night, it was pretty good. I'm starting to like and eat a lot wider variety of foods now. The lady at the restaurant (take-out only) speaks only so-so English, and they have you circle what you want on the menu. Made me think of my good Colby friends from China. <3

Another friend from all the way across the world seems to be in a slump, and has rather down/boredom-induced sadness. It seems that when people are left with nothing to do, their mind and mood kind of stagnates (this has happened to me before). It's weird seeing someone so sad and with such down-turned thoughts, as usually they would have always been me. But now I'm rather unbothered by a lack of activity, as it were. Even when I have nothing to do, and no motivation to start to do the things I say I want to do (restart a game, play a new game, write a story, write poetry, etc, etc), I don't mind. I can still simply sit there and just be content. Maybe browse some forums, definitely listen to some music (read: a lot), watch some TV (not that much), but just generally chill. (And I wish this girl all the best and hope she feels happy and better soon. Really, much <3)

I'm starting to become completely okay and nonchalant with where I'm headed (the thing I've always feared the most), and the fear is gone and I don't really care very much any more. It's funny that I always knew it would happen just like this, yet I won't (or can't?) stop it. But if I'm okay with it, then it really isn't too bad. It's just not what could have been, I guess?

I keep slowly adding to the scenes in this story I've been thinking of everytime I think of something that should fit. They're all pretty isolated from each other, but have the same theme, so it should make sure I give movement and action to the story so it doesn't suffer from lethargy and become ass boring. It still might, but I hope not!

I'm moving further away from the idea of verse dialogue, but right now it's still way too cute of an idea to drop. That's probably the only barrier between it being a serious endeavor and a more whimsical one. But poetry is just too high quality for me to disregard. Oh well!

I still need to write two letters (been meaning to for a while now!), so hopefully I do that either today or tomorrow. They're two very different letters, to two very different people! It should be an adventure doing them back-to-back.

I'll be back sooner or later!
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Late

I've been going to bed around 2200 lately, so being up this late I'm rather exhausted. Listening to that George Winston piano music CD again. I've always really liked solo piano music, and his is simple enough that it really sets a good somber tone. It's still complex enough to move the pieces forward, though, and create at least a small range of emotions. It's just easier to listen to than most music because it's simple and only one instrument.

I think I'm moving on to FEAR 1 now in the video games department. I just beat FEAR 2 and read the whole field guild for it to get the backstory on everything that has happened. This all made me curious because it set a lot of things from the first game straight and pulled a lot together which were not made clear to me playing through the first game (I have a few times). This means it's back to the first game to see how it all plays out with the foreknowledge I now have! (And besides, the gameplay in the first one is simply a lot better, even though there are a few good guns in the second one). Also, FEAR 2 completely ignores the FEAR 1 expansions, so I can just lol my way through those. I also kind of want to play Oblivion, but everytime I go back to it now I can't seem to find a class that's fun. I guess my main problem with the game is finding goals to achieve that I haven't done already and that are actually fun and not just tedious or pointless.

I have a new scene planned for the book, and it can be taken in any one of many directions depending on what I actually want to do with the story. I've had a lot of ideas over the past few months before I really considered writing a story, so I may try milling my memories and see what comes up.

I think it's bed time for me now. There were a lot more important things to say, but those usually don't come out. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

0227

Da Bears

Okay, George Winston piano music is pretty depressing. But it's pretty good, too.

Summer is pretty well under way. I'm in the process of cleaning out my room. It's taking a long time because there's just so much stuff to sift through, and I have to throw a bunch of it out. This means I'm trying to soak up all the old memories one last time in hopes I'll remember some of it way down the road. And don't worry, I'm still keeping some things (generally the more important things). I dunno, I feel like after my first year at college, I've changed considerably. I'm more able to just let material things go and get on with life. I still have the memories of things somewhere in my head, so nothing is really lost. And even if I do never remember many little things, those things are not especially important to remember. They're just little niceties that make me smile.

Life's a weird thing. My perception of it seems to constantly time. Now it's kind of in a maturing stage since I feel myself getting older. But I'm not sure this new perception is necessarily better or more worthwhile. It's just different, older. I guess it's based on more experiences so it has more 'street cred.' Who knows? I usually like my own perceptions and positions on life because I make them myself! It's funny how that works.

I'm not really sure where my life is going. Obviously it's going on the same track of college and then probably grad school, but metaphorically and meaningfully, I'm just coasting along as always, experiencing things as they come. I think I may finally have decided to achieve something morally and meaningfully, though. I'm in the process of laying out ideas and the basic foundation for a story I want to write (like long story, book length!). I have the basic premise and all, and I have a scene and therefore three characters already. I have the main character to an extent. It's just hard to think of a good backstory, and good motivations for the characters. There's also a problem of action and plot - I don't have driving motivation for anything to go in any direction yet. I should probably know the ending before I get too far into it, shouldn't I? Maybe it's not that important, but then the book would be more about the journey to get to some unknown ending, and I'm not sure I want it to be like that exactly.

It should be interesting to say the least. I have a fun idea for extended dialogue/monologues that is truly in my own fashion. It's a pretty heavy idea emotionally, so it'll take a lot of work to actually be able to get through it, but that's where the challenge comes in. I see it as the first meaningful self-contained body of work I will have done (that's rather large, to clarify). Maybe I'm over-looking things with that statement, but I will say that it's inherently different from things I have done previously in my life, so it should be meaningful to me.

I think I'm finally starting to warm up to my personality, and be more expressively myself. This has always been incredibly difficult for me because I have such sharp edges and furious passions, but things are kind of melting off and rounding out. It's rather hard to describe, but I think my innate sense of goodness that few rarely ever see is starting to rise to the surface. Probably because I'm starting to view life differently and act in more accordance with that. My trepidations about all of it still get the best of me, for the most part, though. I still have too much trouble with evil and insincerity. I just can't accept them.

The biggest problem for me is that I'm headed down a path I always knew I was heading down, but I've never really wanted. It's not bad; it's not evil; it's incredibly sincere. But I just have never wanted it. I don't like what it means for me, even if it is a very good thing. I dunno. There's not much I can really do about it; it's always just been taking its course since forever. Oh well, it's not the end of the world.

I'm sure I'll have more to say soon... I always do, even if it doesn't get written here.
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