Touble-Maker!

So I'm almost sticking to my goal of posting every day...! ... Yeah, okay. Anyways, basically I've been a busy beaver once again with all my homework (joy becomes me...). But that's okay, because homework is pretty fun still, or at least not painful. Biblical Hebrew never seems to disappoint, even though it has become considerably harder and now I'm getting more work for it this week. But basically it only means that I have to work a little harder and space out my work much better. I feel like my homework is keeping me removed from others more than it ever has, but honestly it's just because I'm doing it after my classes instead of late at night after everyone goes to sleep. It basically allows me to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and attend breakfastly not irregularly, so potentially a good idea.

I've started doing homework most days in the Chapel - I'm the only one in there and it's very quiet and peaceful. It's probably more a dramatic decision based on my feelings of the weight of the material in my homework (New Testament/Hebrew, anyone?). This book has unlimited importance to so many people, and I think I've always wanted to know why (I honestly can say that I have no intentions of finding anything for my own personal beliefs in it, but I do have great expectations about finding things that may help my understanding of others and maybe people/life in general). The Chapel setting seems to reflect perfectly my feelings everytime I revisit the texts I use for my homework, for a number of reasons. Lately I've been feeling a profound connection to the people around me unlike that which I have felt before. I will admit, I don't much like it. For all its goodness and possibly even necessity, it's made me think about massive and sometimes tragic subjects. It doesn't always make me feel varying degrees of bad, quite the contrary - sometimes I feel amazingly grounded in the world around me and I feel a strong part of and responsibility for the world in which I live. I don't know well how to explain it all, so I will relate my most recent experience in the Chapel in hopes this sheds light on what I'm feeling.

Reading the New Testament (Matthew specifically), I start to realize how the words enclosed could have the impact they have had. The language is attractive, the messages are idyllic, the parables and teachings are intelligently crafted and thought-provoking, etc, etc. Matthew was designed very well and gets its point across without a missed note. He wants to say that Jesus' new interpretations of the laws laid out by Moses are correct, and that they are the most prevalent and important to follow first. What I like about the interpretations, however, is that their whole point is to get at the heart/intention of each law, and draw the "goodness" from it. This seems like a very honest and practical way to go about viewing and following the laws of Torah, and has a strong emphasis on love. It's all very human, very warming and very communal. It is also written for its time and audience, so I can't take everything at face value (or even most of it, for that matter), for I am not a first century Jew. But that doesn't mean I can't try and understand the intentions of Matthew's Jesus (even though it may take a lot of construction of that ancient culture for me to do so). Unfortunately for legitimacy and context, I go mostly on intuition (most likely an incorrect understanding of the original intent), but this is not as much a problem for me as for someone who might mold their life around this. I simply use my assumptions about the text for thought-provoking purposes, not a basis of my life. (If it was a basis for my life, I would be sure to devote a lot of time to try and understand the real meaning, but even then in the end it all comes down to faith)

So the sun is setting in the window behind my back, casting colored light onto the pages in front of me. The colors are beautiful, of course (it wouldn't be my world if it wasn't), and there's this sense of great importance all around me. These perceived energies of the world pervade me; they kind of lift me right up and out of the material world around me and phase me into a much more ethereal world. It's a very odd experience to write about post facto, but I think it has deep significance to the relation of my feelings, so I include it here. This state is a rather timeless one - not so much as time does not pass, I am almost sure it does at some rate comparable to normal time passage (if not completely normal). But anyways, it takes any practical or logical focus I may have been having (such as reading or studying) and turns it into an emotional and I guess philosophical focus. It's hard to explain succinctly. The most important part would probably be the immense importance it gives to my life and thoughts right then and there, and it makes me think thoroughly and drastically about a wide array of things (this time, however, it was rather focused on my current station in life/love).

It gets even more difficult to articulate my thought processes inside this state. It's all sounds very dramatic, potentially tragic even, from the outside. But if one could step into the same plane of existence as I was at the very time, one would understand that there is deep significance and meaning in the questions and statements I made to myself there. It's hard to say, really, whether life ever has more meaning than when I consider it during these times. This time felt especially poignant, as it was plaintively hopeful (something that happens more often than not at this times). The odd thing about being in this state is that even though the ideas and thoughts I have may seem extreme in their emotional importance, there is no sense of great distress during or after the event. I simply am when I exist in such a state and contemplate such things. Afterwards I simply melt back into the world as easily as I drifted away from it.

So the content of the episode, that's more and less difficult to expound (I've been looking forward to using that word for like 2 days!). I was basically questioning the feelings I've felt lately, how realistic they were, how honest I was being with myself, how these feelings are changing at the present, and how I was to act about this from that point forward. All between and during these various topics (just like I do in here with these parentheses), I am qualifying myself to myself and explaning things that I don't need to explain, to myself (this is an odd trait I have, I will often explain things that I obviously already know (such as how I feel) to myself, as if I were an outside observer).

I can explain my reasons for this, probably. I like to explain things, so explaining things to myself is entertaining as it is important. If I am ever to explain it to someone else, it's always easier having already explained it once! And I understand that people would normally explain things to themselves in such a preparation sometimes, but quite honestly, I do it excessively, and in this case, almost wholly unnecessarily (even though I get to use it now! How I love to help myself look cooler than I am). I also have an understated and unresolved, partial belief, partial sarcasm that I am not just talking to myself, but to whomever out there who can hear my thoughts. Whether this be some deity, the "essence" of the world, the air passing by my head, absolutely no one, or something else, I don't know and could not express. I don't even know if I hope someone is listening or not. I simply do it as a matter of course, now. (I also like using sayings literally) Other than myself, I sometimes address my questions/answers/thoughts to this unknown listener, assuming they're listening (I can't be rude to my mental guest, now can I?). Maybe this means I believe in someone. I'm not quite sure. Maybe you are. Anyways, that's not the focus of this, exactly.

So how was I feeling that made me contemplate such things so deeply? It's rather difficult to say without giving away too much (as that would be rude to some people, I dare say), but it's not enough to say too little and leave the whole point of this writing out in the cold. This places me in quite honestly an annoyingly difficult position, but I have an excellent quality of through caution to the wind and taking all that comes! (Although I usually stay INCREDIBLY reserved while doing this. Cool, huh?) Basically, this blog remains for my purposes (even though anyone can read it), so I feel authorized to say anything about me, and absolutely nothing specific about anyone else. Okay, now that my caution has been noted, let me try to explain this as well as I can.

So rather recently I've been hit with a feeling I haven't felt before. Now this was a shock to me in many ways. One should be rather easy to see - I was simply stunned that there were feelings this strong and this different that I had not felt before, or even had an inkling. Now I've felt some pretty intense emotions before, so that made this doubly surprising, as it had a way of... let's say... trouncing all those that had come before. Now this may have something to do with the fact I haven't felt the strongest emotions of my life in a long time and thus I am far removed from them, maybe to far to compare accurately... BUT I have very few doubts in my mind that this new feeling is much greater in magnitude. One other shocking aspect of this feeling was that it honestly hit me out of left field. I was *thunder-struck*. I'm usually on top of how I'm feeling and can see strongs emotions coming a long ways off, as they usually build off everything that is going on and culminate at some climactic point. Not so much the case this time.

It wouldn't be fair to say I had no inclination, as I had lesser feelings (albeit still quite strong ones) in the same vein as this new feeling. I think just the revelation of this feeling to me was so shocking that I was stunned and lost for words to even think about it clearly to myself. I was more than a little afraid, especially after what transpired just prior to the revelation. It was revealed to me at such a terribly ironic time it made me sick to my stomach (even though, at this point, that was the least of my emotional/physical distress). So, there I am sitting, my mind and emotions frayed beyond anything I've experienced before, and I put on my game face - I can't go to sleep for a long while yet (even though these feelings are rather stressful and quite draining), I'm not in a very pretty position, I'm speaking deathly honestly and I'm trying to convince myself that life is still fair and just, or at least okay. I really tried my very best, something this new feeling compelled me to do direly. I don't think I spoke or acted the least bit insincerely or dishonestly - it wouldn't have been fair if I had.

Anyways, so I finally get to sleep and I don't even get to think before I pass out on the pillow and go immediately into dream world. The exact content of the dream isn't much important and I don't remember most of it, just that my new feeling apparently has extreme influence over what I am dreaming about - the same thing four times in a row. Multiple dreams aren't necessarily an odd thing for me, but about the same exact thing doesn't really happen. (read: ever)

Okay, so I finally wake up (weekend, woo!) and just lie in bed for a while. Now my body and mind are rested, so there's no tiredness muddling my thoughts. They're clear as day. This, unfortunately, is not exactly what I need at the moment. The fear of this new feeling, the fear of what will happen to me because of this new feeling, all the implications it has, etc, etc, were fairly overwhelming. I somehow concluded rather quickly (emotions work faster than logic) that possibly my whole future was in danger of having no meaning. This is QUITE the conclusion for me to make, as meaning of life is fairly important to me (author's note: DUH). So, basically, I'm a wreck and it isn't pretty. (I told you this new feeling was powerful!) Not the best of days, but I did get some much needed outside perspective, went home for a day (my home is my ultimate sanctuary, it could save me from all the horrors of the world, and then some!), then came back with a new face, a new game plan and this now understandable feeling. (I'm still a little rough around the edges handling it, but I'm a quick learner, thankfully)

So, this brings us back to the Chapel. I'm deeply contemplating the significance of this new feeling, how honestly I can say I feel it, what it entails right now and in the future. I'm deeply concerned as to whether or not this feeling is here to stay, whimsical, whether I still feel it at this time in the same way, whether I ever felt it, and other such details about it. (Do I analyze things too much?) I reached some interesting conclusions. It definitely happened, existed, was a new and completely different feeling than I had experienced previously, still is there, and has unpredictable implications for the future. Some people may not be satisfied with these conclusions, and I briefly wrestled with them until I realized they're exactly the kind of conclusions I always come to - Definites and unpredictable outcomes.

But before I was done, I seriously questioned what it meant for the present, and therefore how I should act accordingly. I did not very well define my answer to this, as is a classic trait of myself - I always let future me suffer the laziness/undecisiveness of present/soon to be past me. I have no real problems with this as I know that I am doing it, and in this case I have more justifications. I realized it was something I would need to constantly reassess and play by ear, so even a general outline would be suspect at best. Obviously I want to act sincerely, honestly, courteously and, in general, not like a douche. (Flavor text!) Hehe, just kidding, I want to be nice. (I like nice-guy Todd, he's just too shy in general for most purposes)

Okay, now for the ending to this scene and maybe the most or least important part to it. As is usual in rough situations, I ask the world around me for some help. I addressed it to the list of potential listeners I wrote of before, and probably at least a few more. (When I'm in this state, it just feels like something is listening, so I try not to disappoint) Now you may ask, what help can I possibly ask for from something so intangible and unbelievable as the power of the world? Well, faith, of course! Faith in life and in the future. I wished for strength (this is an odd concept, as I didn't really wish to *gain* strength, I wished that the strength I know I have will be able to sustain me, and if it's not enough, for myself to be able to augment my strength through faith in myself and in the meaning of life). But as much as it seems like this strength is for only myself, I of course can never be so self-engrossed. I wished to be strong in order to be the best and kindest person I can be to everyone around me. I'd dread anything that would make me inable to help out any of the people I care about. And I made that very clear in my address - I was prepared to take on everything (may it be bad or good), and that I would use my strength to keep my ability to help and care for others no matter how I may be feeling. (Now don't think this pessimistic or masochistic, I simply value that more than myself, and it's not like I'm in a terrible state all the time or anything, it's not anywhere near that tragic. And besides, I never said you had to like how I am!)

This is a very good outcome from such a crazy line of questions and answers, especially considering I am not allowed to hope for events to unfold certain ways (my own words prohibit me from doing thus and I take none of them back). This event has given me a great hope for the future, even if that future is completely up in the air (this is a different, more general hope. Most of my life is based around the idea of hope, so I always have some kinds or another in abundance. I'm just a hopeful person). While it is no direct comfort to have no control on my future (not that I ever really do, just an idea of where it is going), it does give me a sense of living that I sometimes get when I realize that the future is entirely unpredictable. (Of course, I'm formulating ideas about it all the time, even on all these subjects. It's just much less sure than any other times)

Is it good or bad? Well, I don't know exactly. It's just life. I like to view life as a good thing more than a bad thing. Even thinking about the words I've written here gives them a hollow feeling to me, and I realize that I can't convey exactly or even very well their significance to me. I realize it all sounds corny, emotional, maybe even whiny and immature. I really hope it's not immature, because I think it's an impossibly telling sign of maturity to be able to convey your emotions and feelings to others in a respectful and honest manner. Maybe I like to make myself feel older than I am, or to give more legitimacy to my claims here. Maybe I'm afraid it will make me appear crazy, presumptive, unknowing or obsessive. I hope not. Because then maybe I would be. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because I'm writing these words regardless, and to me, that's all that matters. I'm comfortable sharing this, and I'm really doing it to provide insight into myself that I feel absolutely no one has ever had the privilege to have. I hope it provides some way to relate emotionally, and sets a good example for conveying your own emotions to others. If you see that other people really do feel and think things this crazy and unrestrained, maybe that will be comforting (maybe unsettling!). I don't mind so much. I know my own intentions behind this, and that will always be enough for me.

Ending? Maybe I'm just fanciful, but I don't like ending these things. There never seems to be a concise point where I can say "It's done!" So I'll try to say some comments or such. This new feeling is a beast. I like to say beef a lot. I have emotions. I read the Bible. Chapels make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I have no religion. I believe deeply in a meaning for life. I have no idea what that meaning is. Sometimes I get real and true senses as to what that meaning is. And I revel in those feelings when they happen. I think the world is a true comfort and shines light onto life's meaning all the time (at least to me it does). I think I'm too young to get married. I think I'd like to, though. I think it's the thing for me. I think it will give my life deep meaning. I suspect I'm not the only one who ever thinks about these things. I think if you're still reading this, you're a hero. Maybe you're my hero! Do I need a hero?

I would like to say I live well. I would love to say people love me. I like chocolate ice cream. I don't know which of all of this is the most significant to me. I don't know if any of it is significant to life. I know life is significant to me. I'm going to keep trying to be the best I can be. I am only who I am, but who am I? I have a dream that I'll be someone who makes life significant for someone else. I will never stop trying. I don't know why. I love. A lot. I probably love you. Maybe even if I don't know you. I don't say love very often. I try to reserve it to give it special meaning. But I think I just end up underusing it. But there is always hope for the future. I think that's a good place to end. Be peaceful, find serenity, farewell for now.

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