Honesty

Today I've been filled with a deep sense of sadness and regret. The world just feels different and homeless tonight. I considered life in a much different way for a moment today as I was walking back up to Heights (my dorm). I was kicking little pebbles, and the thought occured to me that millions of little bacteria were living on the rocks, and as I kicked them and they scraped against the ground, I was killing so much life without even thinking about it. Then I looked up as a bird landed on a tree, turned its head around and crowed. It made me think about how chaotic life is, and it made me wonder what made a bird's life so much more valuable and sacred than the millions of micro-organisms that live on rocks. I guess it's just their relative status to humans - we perceive human life to be the ultimate, and animals/beings closer to us therefore have more relative value when their lives are concerned. That makes the little bacteria on the rock almost worthless in comparison. But then I thought that to the universe, to the world, to the chaos that allowed life to come into being and continue here on Earth, we probably are no more important than the bacteria on the rock.

But that did not arouse any great sadness in my heart, for all my life I have valued humans above animals above micro-organisms and so on down the line. It's just natural, being from the society I am, and especially as a human being myself. Today was a strange day (classes were canceled, everything happened in a different order, just not the normitive Monday for me), and it got even stranger when one of my good friends told me someone she was friends with just died. I was sympathetic, of course, and then I thought that I'd never be able to handle it if someone close to me died. It was just a fleeting thought, and I rather simply passed it from my mind and went on to other things (like dinner, homework, etc.). But I think it stayed with me somewhere in the back of my mind and heart.

A long time ago, whenever someone told me that someone they knew died, it didn't really sink in too well. My grandfather died when I was around 5 years old, so I never really knew him so well. My grandparents' brothers and sisters have died since then, but I never really knew them so well, either. People I've been close to have never died; some people have passed out of my life and into the world somewhere, however. And so when someone told me that someone died, I always used to think it a terrible tragedy (I was sympathetic for them; I don't want my friends being hurt), but not for the most obvious reason. I always thought that that was one person I would never, could never, meet and get to know. I always wondered why it happened that way - I would never know them, and the only connection to them I had was through this other person. What did the deceased have to do with me? How should I feel for them? I always thought it incredibly saddening that they were gone from the world, no longer able to affect it personally, meet new people, feel love, live life.

I still don't know how I feel about this. Today I am much more respectful in my feelings for the people who actually know the deceased (I feel bad due to sympathy, not out of tragedy). I've seem to come to accept the way of things and the planned nature they follow. It may not be planned, but considering it did not happen any other way, I see no problem calling the past a map of all that has happened. Some may say it could have all been different, someone didn't have to die. I'd like to believe that, I'd like to believe people didn't have to die when they did. Life seems like something you should be deserving to get as much as you want of; but that is probably very rarely the case.

So what does this have to do with me, personally? (And hence be put in here) Well, it made me consider deeply how I would feel if someone close to me did die. I still can not fathom how I would respond to that; it's just not something to which I can realistic envision me responding. I just don't know how it will be. But it did make me realize that I would want anyone who was close to me to know who I am, assuming anyone I know died, or even potentially me, myself. It's a harsh reality to consider, but it's made me realize that for possibly the first time in my life, I regret something. I regret not letting people know (even if it's just the closest people) much of anything about me. Yes, you learn a lot about a person by interacting with them, even asking them questions about things and such, but most people don't really know me as I exist and view myself. I've said something to this effect throughout this blog, but it was not a very legitimate effort. This deep sense of sadness and regret requires me to be very honest for the first time in my life in this manner. I don't know why now, or if it matters, or if I'll ever feel this way again and shun all this tomorrow. All I know is what is going on right now, and that's what's driving me.

Who am I? What am I all about? What means something to me? What is life to me? Who are my friends? For whom do I really care? Whom do I love? Why do I love? I'll try to be as emotionally honest as I can be (no arrogance intended). If I seem to take leaps of confidence, try and remember, I've lived with myself all my life, I know many things about me that none others do.

I am he who loves uncontrollably. I haven fallen for many girls in my day, in many different ways. I will say truly that I have only fallen in love once - and this is not a simple matter. I refused to let myself believe it at first, so great was its pull. And so tragic at the time. It meant making sacrifices I never considered outside of my worst fantasies of dark futures. I don't think it will leave me. I don't think it has to.

I am he who loves completely. My heart fulfills all prophesies of the grandeur of love - it is given over in totality when it falls. I resist it not a bit, for even when I try it makes no difference. I don't know if I love more than others do; maybe I am just more open with myself about it. I can't hide my feelings from myself.

I am he who cares for others more than himself. People are the world to me. My fulfillment comes from others' happiness. I feel my place is to be for others.

I am he who is self-sacrificing. I will always suffer pains rather than let others do so if I can. I will stay silent in the midst of endless pain, rather than allow someone for which I care to suffer the slightest. I admittedly feel quite a bit of pain for this. Yet no one ever finds out the pains I suffer for them, and most likely never will; my love is too great.

I am he who listens. My natural state is to listen to those around me in order to understand. I feel at peace in the words of others; their stories soothe and warm me. I often will get lost in someone's story.

I am he who lost in eyes. When someone tells me a story, I connect with them. I will often stare into their eyes, and assimilate myself with their soul if they continue long enough. My love for someone sincere grows the longer I stare into their eyes.

I am he who learns from eyes. I understand people by looking into them. Someone's eyes have never lied to me, in truth. I stare back, with equal confidence my eyes hide nothing that I know or feel.

I am he who never lies. A little here, a little there. I try to only tell untruths in jest or sarcasm. I have never lied to a serious question, it just has no feeling for me. I, unfortunately, craft my words in such ways as to avoid lies by hiding the truth far more often. This mostly comes to shield others from pain, and has adapted into other, more common uses.

I am he who wants not to lie. I feel like I should never have to lie. I want everyone to know the truth all the time. I want those whom I protect to know from what I protect them, and how it makes me feel. I know I will never tell them.

I am he who is resigned to fate. I understand some things I will never be able to say, and some things I will never be able to do. I understand why, usually. I understand that the past happened as it did for the reasons of that time, and can not be changed. I understand that my place in the future will be set when I get there.

I am he who turns the lights out after everyone has gone to bed. I always clean up and put things in their place after all have gone to sleep. I am almost always the last one to go to sleep; it's in my nature of caring for others. I often stand at a gateway to the outside world after I turn off all the lights and wonder. I feel lonely, but I feel right at the same time. I will always be the one to tuck someone in, to carry them to their bed, to clean up anything left out, to store it safely and put it back in its proper place.

I am the one who loves so much. I will always care for someone deeply, without recourse. I will always be there to tuck them in, even when they do not need it. I will always be the one waiting to help, looking out from afar. I will always make sure no harm comes. I will always be willing to sacrifice. I will always be the last one up at night.

I am the one who lives by hope. Hope is all I have to live off. When there are no concrete things to keep me afloat, I soar on hope. My whole life is based around hope. My whole future is based off hope. All my love is based off hope.

I am the one who hopes for romantic love. The only purpose to my life is to find someone to love who will love me in return. All other goals, aspirations, hopes, dreams and wishes are secondary. I feel it will bring a sense of ultimate happiness. I do not believe this is being naive. I also don't know if it will ever happen.

I am the one who was made to be one. Everything about me is set up to be independent. Everything about me is set up to be solitary. I love completely, without love in return. I suffer silently, without external reward. I complain only to myself. I need no one to sustain me. I have strength greater than I could express. I have strength greater than I could believe.

I am the one who is the weakest of them all. I am struck low by devastation. I am crushed by heartbreak. I am leveled by disappointment. I am wasted by failure. While success is prideful and fleeting, failure remains in my heart for all time. I can relive embarrassments at any time and feel as badly as when they first happened.

I am the one who needs to be perfect. Failure is my greatest enemy. I feel a dire need to act perfectly for those I care about. I feel the pressure to be a flawless support. I feel it a requirement to have useful and meaningful advice. I am struck horribly through my heart when I fail to see something. I am tormented when I say the wrong things.

I am the one who speaks very rarely. My words can have beauty far beyond ordinary means. They can have insight and depth and meaning without parallel. I always have something contributive or meaningful to say. I only speak on things when I'm sure nothing is wrong with what I have to say. I am very rarely positive that what I say is perfect. I don't ever say very much out loud.

I am the one who has lost his compliments. I used to be wonderfully charming. I used to say a lot of very nice things. I used to say them in earnest. I used to sincerely tell people great wonders about themselves. I used to brighten people's day. I don't do this anymore. I am too afraid of rejection. I am too afraid of it being misinterpretted. I am too afraid of being insincere.

I am the one who is only sincere. In all my respects, feelings, sayings and actions, I am sincere in my intent. I try to be as kind and gentle as I can be. I've stopped being mean to people as a whole. I care much more deeply for people in general. I tell them no lies about themselves. I honestly want to help them. I honestly care for them. I have never faked a feeling.

I am one who judges. I expect people to be sincere in all their actions and intentions. I expect people not to be greedy. I expect people to be perfect. I realize they can not be. I accept people for who they are.

I am the one who forgives. I never used to forgive anyone of anything. Now I forgive everyone of everything, in time. I care too much for people now. I can easily be taken advantage of, again. I can defend myself, but I forgive all transgressions against me.

I am the one who lives. Life is important and meaningful to me. I spend every day doing things I feel like I should be doing. I want to do the things I do. If I don't want to do something, I don't do it. I don't waste my time living a life I don't want to live. I love my life and that of which it is comprised.

I am one with the world. I live in the world and draw energy from it. I draw back into it when life gets hard. I come shining forth from it when life is beautiful. My whole life is centered around the world and its beauty. I often stare out into the world, the sky, the trees, the plains, the mountains, the ocean, everything. I love emotionally in the world. It is a part of me as I am a part of it. I love the world, as it loves me.

I am the one who appreciates beauty. Beauty is extremely important to me. It is not superficial. I find beauty in the souls of others. I have only ever loved beautiful people. I believe all people can be in some way beautiful. Some people call this goodness. I don't believe that truly captures the picture. There's some inexpressible quality that only beauty can encapsulate. A sunset over the ocean can not simply be expressed as good. It has a quality all its own, that deeply fills our souls with wonder.

I am one who writes poetry. This is the greatest expression of my sincerity and intent. It has always been misinterpretted for something much more superficial and something much less sincere. I've stopped writing poems for other people. It hurts too much to have people consider me insincere. I've never written wholly for myself. Poetry is the most important and meaningful thing I have ever created. It lies in a realm all its own. I don't know if I can still write it. I believe sometime soon I will try. I don't know what soon means, unfortunately.

I am one who loves. It is as simple as that. The beauty in the words, in my words, in its meaning, in their meaning, is profound. I love so very deeply. I don't know if it's understandable. I'm sure I want someone special to understand that. I don't know if I've met that person yet. I do know how I feel about that. I hope endlessly for it in the future.

I'm not sure if this is done. It doesn't feel complete. I don't think any amount of words could make it feel that way. But for this very moment, it is complete. I hope I return to it. It's very important to me. I want people to know. I don't know if I'll ever feel this way ever again. I'm sure I'll say more, at least to some people. I wish those people could be the ones about which my words will be concerned. But I know I can't say certain things to certain people. I don't want to end on a sad note, that doesn't seem fair. My life is not a sad note; I'm very appreciative of it, and now I'm happy more often than I am not. But right now it's important for me to be sad. I've had my whole life to express myself to others, and I've only done so in such a tiny amount here, and it may be the last. I can't help but wonder why and how it has all happened as it has. I'm trying to stick with a meaning for it all. It's evading me right now; I'm grabbing at wisps of the tendrils of smoke. But I know my hope is in there. All will never be lost. Have heart, dear one. I care for you, and that is all that matters for the moment. Maybe forever. I love you. Good night.

0445

Juice

So I really love juice. It's pretty much the best thing ever. Welch's man. Grape, Apple, Raspberry, Cherry, even White Grape. The combinations are as sweet as they are cool. I make it from frozen juice concentrate. I can drink juice at any meal and with any food; I haven't come upon anything that isn't compatible with some kind of juice yet. Here at Colby, I often mix grape and apple from the tap, and it suffices fairly well. I don't usually have the right stuff to make juice in my dorm room, so when I do it's a special occasion indeed. And man is it rockin'.

At Tanner's house back home I like cranberry pomegranate. Each on their own is pretty intolerable (I *can* handle some cranberry juice if it's really cold with ice cubes in it, but usually only if I'm direly thirsty), but together there is some harmony that shows itself with a very respectable taste. I also like cranberry and some type of ginger ale/lemon lime type soda mix.

I've heard people speak of comfort food before. I think juice is my comfort drink. I don't drink wine, and from the smell of it I can't imagine it be anything but a bad version of white grape juice (which on its own is very difficult to handle). Does juice have any special significance? Well maybe not to someone who doesn't like it, but it's such a big part of my life I think it deserves some special mention. Little things that you don't think about or give any significance to in the ordinary carrying out of your day do a great deal in making up who you are. So basically, I'm a glass of juice.

Orange juice is okay and has its purposes, but it's not my favorite, and I especially don't like it with pulp. Fruit punch usually turns out to be really good. Lemonade (pink or otherwise) is also an excellent addition to the list. I'm sure there are some others, but I think you get the point.

Tomorrow is not going to be the most fun of days. I'll wake up in about 5 hours, go to physics lab (which probably won't be too fun, and probably a little tedious), then eat lunch sometime, come back, do homework, more homework, then some more, then probably a little more, then eat some dinner, come back, do more homework, keep doing homework, maybe take a nap, do more homework, etc. I may just take a nap right after lab, seeing as I might not be in peak thinking condition, and that would be disastrous for the amount of homework I have (read: it would be super annoying). I'm not exactly complaining - I take the work with the classes I signed up for, and I have expected no less all semester. I'm just tired and winding down my day thinking about it.

Today I've been curiously distracted by the notion of my maturity and readiness for the classical "adult" stages in life. Sometimes it seems like I'm really old and should be in a farther stage in life than I am, and other times I feel frustrated and immature in my emotions and actions. I don't think growing up is a very exact or predictable process; it's just different for everyone in different ways. And this makes sense and should be expected, but it still leaves me in the dark as to why I seem so mature sometimes and so immature at others. Maybe my immature areas just haven't had a need or haven't had the chance/ability to develop as quickly as or at the same rate as other areas. I dunno. Maybe I'm just a teenager. (I am, by the way!) I sometimes try to ascribe monumental decisions about life and ultimate meaning to myself and my actions but it usually seems to fall flat or become impractical almost immediately. I also don't find this very surprising; it just makes me curious as to whether or not I would have the clarity of mind to make such a decision if the time ever came.

I would like to and should say more on this, and I probably will sometime or other, but right now sleep and work are taking their precedence. So I guess I'll just leave with one idea for a future time - it seems like it's almost impossibly hard to be a gentleman or kind and polite person in the world today (I don't know if it ever was, really. I have nothing by which to compare). People either don't assume you're sincere, pass it off dismissively, feign ignorance of recognition, assume you have an ulterior motive or just get upset. It's gotten to a point in my life where all the nice and caring things I used to do for people (usually just small things, like compliments and nice gestures) I don't bother with anymore, simply to avoid a negative reaction. I guess I can be blamed as being lazy and just not trying hard enough, but being nice isn't something you should have to try hard at to be - you should just be nice and that's enough.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I've just had excessive bad luck in most of my affairs, maybe I'm just doing something wrong. But I doubt sincerely that I'm being that out of place. I dunno, maybe I just need to start with a smile and work my way up from there. Whatever the case, I don't think I'll stop trying completely anytime soon - maybe some chance encounters will prove fruitful in the future, and that will encourage a sort of revival of good spirits, so to speak.

At the very least, this week will end well, I have great hope for that. And, quite honestly, I will always have my juice. Maybe I just need to concentrate on some other little things to give me some perspective. Chin up, eyes to the stars, sparkles in your eyes. (Probably from hope!) Everyone have a great day.

0327

Up Late

So I'm up as late as I was last night. Except I will wake up at 0900 this time. It was a pretty smooth sailing day - Tuesday is my off day with only physics discussion. Tuesday is also my homework day, and I spent all afternoon and night working away at Hebrew and Bible homework, except for a break in Zach's room around 0100. I think I'm actually starting to learn the Hebrew in this book that I should be pretty well at this point. It's getting harder, but I think I'm managing it much better this week. The most important part is that it's fun, and that's always a saving grace when I realize I'm only going to be getting 4 hours of sleep that night.

Today another spontaneous decision event happened! And this time, I was successful, but it required me to wait just a little bit for it to happen (in the meantime I was busy doing Hebrew and wondering just what would transpire). It was totally fun and worthwhile, if not a little jarring at one particular point. Now more than ever I'm curious as to what will happen in my life next, as everything seems to be itching towards something cool. I say cool because I have no idea what it will be, if anything, and I like to hope for the best.

Tanner is coming all the way up to Maine this weekend to see me, so that should be amazing-tastic. I'm still thinking of what we should do, but I'm sure going with the flow will work out perfectly fine, as I somehow always seem to be doing random things all weekend.

Tomorrow is my long day - all five classes. But for whatever reasons, I'm feeling rather comfortably hopeful about how good it will be. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because today was a pretty fine day, and that probably translates directly to how I'll act tomorrow - if I expect to have a good day, I'll be way more attuned to the good things and much less to the bad. But that's all natural and logical, and I always like to sound a little eccentric and crazy, so I'll say that I feel good about tomorrow because something good is going to happen! Well, only time will tell. I'm sure I'll fill you in on it sooner or later.

TTFN, have a great day.
0500.

A Second Too Late

Okay, pretty good weekend/start to the week. The mode of this weekend seems to be not doing homework, as that's exactly what I did not do! Which is nuts, so I'm trying to make up for it some tonight (Biblical Hebrew baby!). Friday was pretty much hang out with the cool cats from international coffee hour all day; we watched a movie, went to the Meigs acappella concert, went and finished the movie, returned it to the library and then went to a dance that was completely for us! (We were the first ones there, and the first ones to leave, hehe) Saturday was pretty cool - did stuff, stayed up until like 0800 or something ridiculous. Sunday was pretty good too. I slept. And then did some homework. Watched Vicki Cristina Barcelona (sp hax?) which was a pretty over the top movie by Woody Allen. Apparently it's made *only* for guys, as any girl who saw it said it was pretty terrible. But maybe that's why it's so good!

Anyways, this post's inspiration draws from timeliness. Continuing in the chaotic theme of the last entry, this will progress for an unknowingly long amount of time, but this time I have no structure. I just got back a second too late (for what you might ask? Well stay tuned, you might be able to figure it out, but no promises). This seems to happen to me a lot, or at least not infrequently. It probably happens to me just the same as everyone else, but I always notice it because quite honestly when you miss something by just an instant, it sticks in your mind, sometimes for a long time afterwards. This always evokes varying, yet not dissimilar reactions from me. So, now we delve in on another journey into the mind of Todd... (Are you anxious? I know *I* am!)

Basically it rolls itself out like this: something in me clicks/makes an instantaneous decision and I set off to do that/carry out the action right away. For simplicity, we'll say most of these events are very small and seemingly insignificant things (they could be anything really, even as simple as going to a specific place). To be fair, sometimes I get an urge to do something random like this and actually deeply consider it before I decide to take action. It seems a little bit ridiculous to deeply consider something as simple as these things, but for some reason it seems like life is hanging in the balance to a certain degree. (And to be honest, it is a little bit. I mean, we only get to make one definite decision/action every moment in time, and that can never be undone or changed. Our life is on one path, even if that path has infinite possibilities for the future - the past is always the same) I usually seem to get very anxious when I start to considering doing these things or not, and I'm not entirely sure why - it's probably something to do with the infinite possibilities of carrying it out and what will happen afterwards. (I mean, they ARE random considerations, right?)

I think it's important to note my ambiguity and vagueness here (okay, I'm teasing just a tad, but not really). It's really hard to give a concrete example because these moments are so random and undefinable, and also very fleeting. They pass as soon as they came to be, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled (I think they remain unfulfilled more often, but now that I think about it I can't say either way). Sometimes I'm very deeply disappointed, sometimes I don't ever think about it again. This seems to vary directly to how much time I spend considering acting it out, but there are rare cases when I can be very disappointed when I've acted without any consideration whatsoever, so this rule has exceptions. This seems to be a logical psychological conclusion - obviously if I attach more value, time and consideration to an idea and decide to go through with it, the more disappointed I will be when it doesn't work out the way I planned. But we have to look deeper here, because that's not all that's going on.

This may start to get very strange and philosophical, and I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I'll just be as honest and sincere as I can, and hope for the best. So, drawing from an earlier post, I described myself as living an enchanted life through my worldview. This is fairly accurate. While most of the time, purely for practicality, I adhere to logical and earthly motivations and considerations for everyday/mundane things - sometimes my inner worldview takes over and casts a very poetic and ethereal view on the world and everything in it. A good analogy is simply that it's like looking at life through a kaleidoscope compared to everyday glasses. Everything is incredibly beautiful, scintillatingly so. Everything has a certain otherwordly quality to it, think of it like this: imagine all objects as not having a definite shape, and swaying or being blown about in gentle breezes and sometime strong gusts of wind. The malleable outline of objects transform (contort is NOT the right word, as it is a very natural, smooth flow. It's very wrong to use hard consonants to describe it [I told you it was poetic, even the word choice of describing it matters]), and they kind of swirl and sweep into each other. Colors blends and fill things up, only to meld and warm into other objects. It's kind of like a pattern of highlighting - once colors meld with certain objects and my focus becomes fully atuned to that idea, it will pass out from the object and swirl towards a new collection of objects that form new ideas.

Think of the colors moving from object to object as wispy, colored smoke (by colored, think light oranges, luminescent blues, all sorts of prettiness and fantasy). Now that we have some sort of relevant image, take the feelings and emotions you might experience by seeing all these sights - awe, amazement, peace, tranquility, serenity, etc. and apply it to everyday situations. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well it is. Everything in the world can take on these crazy meanings, stir up unrelated emotions, impact your heart and mind in extraordinary ways, and basically just change your perception of everything. Some might say this is lunacy, but I like to say that I'm not on an acid trip or anything, it's merely feelings and different perspectives that rule my world at these times. Also, it can be very fleeting - I can be grounded to reality very easily most of the time, and I can recognize what is happening around me in an everyday view if I need to or desire. This is a very incomplete description - it merely scratches the surface, and if it were the topic of this post I'd go much deeper into it to give you a much stronger relation to it. But since it is merely useful as a tool to explain what I need to here, I'll now tie it in. (Don't worry, I'll probably expand greatly upon this in future posts, it's an integral part of my life)

So now we're sitting here thinking: "Man, this guy is crazy as a fudgesicle, what's the point in all this madness?!!? Is this a cry for psychological help????" Nope, sorry. Basically, this alternate viewpoint crops up randomly from time to time (similar to these random feelings to make random decisions! Uh oh, a coincidence??). If you remember from the last post, the "Chapel experience" was one of these episodes. These episodes seem to make me deeply consider life's meaning and the meaning of everything around me in completely random and ridiculous ways (remember, it gives significance to completely mundane and random things sometimes). I think this has a direct connection to the significance I give to my spontaneous events.

Often it takes strong emotions or serenity for an episode to occur, and these little random events seem to be a perfect way to accomplish that. They have the same idea of taking seemingly insignificant things and giving great import to them sometimes (just like the episodes, sometimes what is important and meaningful in them is very important to me in everyday life). But they're such little and insignificant things that it shocks me to find me so attached to these ideas - it's an incredibly romanticized and dramatized occurence. Sometimes it doesn't matter at all to me, and this presents some options for interpretation (because if they always meant a lot to me, that would be fairly straightforward in trying to interpret).

So what can this all mean to and for me? Let's get at the heart of it. I make these decisions that randomly pop into my head because I *feel* I need to, or that they *deserve* some special attention or consideration. This is very weird to just happen without reason. So I conclude that there must be at least one reason that is not consciously in my mind for why I feel the need to consider and carry out these actions. This leaves a few possibilities. Either there is some logical reason subconsciously that's too basic for me to put into logical, conscious words, or it's some kind of emotionally trained response, or is something integral to who I am/how I live/exist. This last options has seemed to produce the most fruit for me personally, as it's just more realiastic to think that it has to do with some integral part of my worldview/personality/soul/what-have-you. Obviously it's not exclusive coming from one direction, but this seems to be the heart of the matter, and that's what we're after right now!

Let's look at this idea more in-depth, and see what we can find. The need to consider and make decisions about seemingly random events seems to come from some integral part of my being/worldview. Okay. This isn't going to be a piece of cake. There are a lot of things to consider here, many of which I can't think of from my very subjective point of view. I don't know how I have reacted subconsciously/partitively to every event that has ever happened to me, so I can't claim to have inexhaustible knowledge of all my beliefs and feelings about everything. This being the case, I have to take a much more realistic approach of looking at my current values and beliefs in order to extract what seems to be the basic motivation of my life.

Whew, that sounds much easier! (Hah!) So, uhh, yeah. Everything I believe and feel, and the *basic motivation of my life*. This is outright ludicrous. So let's do it. For the sake of everything holy, and for the matter that time is not endless, I'm going to try to discriminate between my values and beliefs and pull out what I have thus far concluded to be relevant to this. Basically, it has to deal directly with how I perceive the world and my connection to it. This makes sense, considering the episodes seem to deal directly with how I perceive the world, and these random events allude to how I feel about what could possibly happen in the world (the future, consequences of my actions, etc).

So, how does this relate to my view of how the world and I interact? It's a little complex to state plainly. I have deep feelings and beliefs on this matter that are hard to vocalize as they are akin to "gut instincts" or "deeply held religious beliefs." Lately I've tried to explain it as the feeling where you just *know* something. I assume that if you believe in God, it's the same type of feeling - general knowledge that what you know is right. (This may have less to do with belief, however. It seems to be a feeling I *could* believe in, but I believe in it because I *know* it) Okay, so what are these knowing feelings I have about the world? It's a little bit of a stretch, as it's hard to say whether or not I'm positive I believe in them myself, but they're there nonetheless.

I love the world. My favorite place in the world is my home in Pepperell. When I'm there, I'm the safest in the world, the strongest, the most enduring, everything maximally exuberant. It feels like the center of the universe to me (the center of my world/life, more accurately). The energies of the world seem to coalesce there for me. This is a good place to start from. I feel most naturally in the world and a part of life when I am there. I get my episodes most frequently when I am home, often around sunset when I go out and look at the sky and trees around. I just feel completely part of the world and I have this understanding of my existence in tandem with all that is around me. I kind of assimilate into the world and become one with it, as is the common phrase. It's just a completely natural feeling of belonging. This will serve us well examining my view of the world.

Everywhere I seem to go, the world seems to be "looking out for" or "helping" me along. This is very possibly simply my *perception* of the world, as these episodes seem to go a long way in reinforcing this idea to me. Basically, when I need strength or help, I *always* seem to find it by going somewhere in the world and "drawing in" its energies. I simply go somewhere and assimilate into the world like I do at home. This assimilation process can only be described as the most intense of episodes with an amazing sense of serenity. This allows me to have a kind of personal relationship with the world around me. Like I said in the last post, while I was in the Chapel I addressed my words to the world/whoever would listen. While that had a much more specifically deific quality to the address, it was in the same vein. The main difference is that when I'm assimilating into the world, I don't need to address anyone *usually* (although I do sometimes use words thought to something). I don't even usually use words in my thoughts for at least most of it. I just kind of let my emotions and feelings speak for me to the world, which seems to listen and understand and provide some kind of harmony that completely fills me and heals me. (This healing is very unique to the situation, as it doesn't *cure* heartbreak or the like, it only heals it for a while. It's just a general "things will be okay" healing)

This has over time created an incredibly affection in my for the world. Most hopes, dreams and such I assume are heard by the world and understood. I also seem to have the belief that the world tries hard to make it very possible for these dreams and hopes to come to fruition, and THAT is the key to understanding my feeling towards random events. Basically, if the world is trying to help me, I've come to interpret these seemingly random feelings as the world TELLING ME that there's something incredibly important and helpful for my hopes and dreams that I should be doing. Now, honestly, this is beyond ludicrous, and I can logically see that. But it doesn't matter one bit, as I feel it integrally. It's as much a part of me as any feeling I've ever had. There just *seems* to be some sense that the world is helping me out, and these spontaneous events therefore have extreme importance.

It's very weird to consider the outcome of these events and to judge if they've had significance to what has transpired later. It would probably be impossible to say if my success in any of these events has gone on in the future to produce fruit and benefit me. Relationships with others and events and actions by everyone generally are a culmination of absolutely everything that has happened up until that point, so absolutely any tiny thing one does at any moment in time could be credited with helping do almost everything that happens in the future. The possibilities are ridiculously infinite. So this makes testing any theories I have about this pretty much impossible. And that means it has to go off faith.

And is my faith always constant? Is it always as strong as it is in the most extreme of cases? Nope. I've already stated that sometimes I'm deeply disappointed and sometimes I'm not at all. Generally, my mood/other things at the time seem to be able to influence the impact that these events have on me. Now here you could argue that they therefore don't seem to have significance and don't seem to be part of some plan set up by the world for me. But I don't think that's exactly fair - because these events usually feel like they have significance. Sometimes it might be the unfulfillment of these events that has more significance - to me, if I don't succeed, it may be the world telling me something and warning me; the world could be telling me that I don't really have control of the future and maybe even the world doesn't, so I shouldn't try to hard to influence my future. This is why I generally just go with the flow. (I say that a lot, and I mean it) I generally seem to adhere almost perfectly well to the idea of no regrets - I know what I do at the time I do it is what I ultimately wanted to do after I weighed all my options. This is very important - as I couldn't live with the idea that my future has been ruined or completely changed because I forgot to tie my shoes right or something (whether it be very important or not at all).

I used to, for a long time in my life, worry that everything I did was changing my future constantly and that any of the things I did could lead me to a future I didn't want, or more importantly, for which I wasn't "destined." That's an incredibly hard deal to swallow, and I'm thankful for my personal revelation that exactly what happens is "meant" to happen simply because it did. Your destiny is either mapped or it isn't, but you can't exactly "change" the future, because everything you do you do. You can't change past actions, and your present is entirely dependent upon them, and so your future is too. You could say that you're changing the future by thinking about what effect certain actions would have in your future and then taking the action you most desire, but uhh.. that's what people do... Quite honestly, every decision you make is one in which you commit to and think will yield the best outcome (or at least the one you're most likely to accept). So really, you have no effect on the future by deciding what to do, because you were always going to do *something,* and that something is *EXACTLY what you did!* Basically, the future is a ridiculous idea, as it is what it is ONLY WHEN it happens. And then it's not the future anymore, is it? Heh heh heh.

So if we can't change the future ("directly" would be a good compromise for those who think you can), the past, or how we feel in the present, what can we do? Well, we can only decide what to do right now (and plan for the future, but doing that is also just making a decision to make a plan). So basically everytime one of these spontaneous events pops up, it's can have AMAZING significance to me because it's the only thing that matters at the time! That decision will affect everything, but my decision about it was always meant to be, so to speak, so there's nothing of which to be afraid. But that still doesn't mean I can't be anxious about it, because I can still *think* that the outcome of my decision matters. And realistically, the decision itself matters as it determines what I'm going to do right then, which is necessary for everyone to do at every instant they're alive. You could probably construct a definition of being alive and human as having to always make decisions when capable (aka conscious, or in control of your situation, as in dreams).

So, am I justified in caring so much about these random spontaneous events? To me I am, but I see no reason why anyone else couldn't disagree. I just give importance to strange things sometimes. These random little events technically could end up being the most significant things that ever happen to me, or they could always just be little things that aren't even relevant at the time. I honestly don't know, as I don't know the future. I only hope that the world is looking out for me, or that I can always continue to perceive that it is. I think there's something in these little events, but that's only a feeling. I'll just go with the flow and hope for the best. May your future be as bright and full of love as I hope mine will be.

And really, I was only a second too late.
0151

Touble-Maker!

So I'm almost sticking to my goal of posting every day...! ... Yeah, okay. Anyways, basically I've been a busy beaver once again with all my homework (joy becomes me...). But that's okay, because homework is pretty fun still, or at least not painful. Biblical Hebrew never seems to disappoint, even though it has become considerably harder and now I'm getting more work for it this week. But basically it only means that I have to work a little harder and space out my work much better. I feel like my homework is keeping me removed from others more than it ever has, but honestly it's just because I'm doing it after my classes instead of late at night after everyone goes to sleep. It basically allows me to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and attend breakfastly not irregularly, so potentially a good idea.

I've started doing homework most days in the Chapel - I'm the only one in there and it's very quiet and peaceful. It's probably more a dramatic decision based on my feelings of the weight of the material in my homework (New Testament/Hebrew, anyone?). This book has unlimited importance to so many people, and I think I've always wanted to know why (I honestly can say that I have no intentions of finding anything for my own personal beliefs in it, but I do have great expectations about finding things that may help my understanding of others and maybe people/life in general). The Chapel setting seems to reflect perfectly my feelings everytime I revisit the texts I use for my homework, for a number of reasons. Lately I've been feeling a profound connection to the people around me unlike that which I have felt before. I will admit, I don't much like it. For all its goodness and possibly even necessity, it's made me think about massive and sometimes tragic subjects. It doesn't always make me feel varying degrees of bad, quite the contrary - sometimes I feel amazingly grounded in the world around me and I feel a strong part of and responsibility for the world in which I live. I don't know well how to explain it all, so I will relate my most recent experience in the Chapel in hopes this sheds light on what I'm feeling.

Reading the New Testament (Matthew specifically), I start to realize how the words enclosed could have the impact they have had. The language is attractive, the messages are idyllic, the parables and teachings are intelligently crafted and thought-provoking, etc, etc. Matthew was designed very well and gets its point across without a missed note. He wants to say that Jesus' new interpretations of the laws laid out by Moses are correct, and that they are the most prevalent and important to follow first. What I like about the interpretations, however, is that their whole point is to get at the heart/intention of each law, and draw the "goodness" from it. This seems like a very honest and practical way to go about viewing and following the laws of Torah, and has a strong emphasis on love. It's all very human, very warming and very communal. It is also written for its time and audience, so I can't take everything at face value (or even most of it, for that matter), for I am not a first century Jew. But that doesn't mean I can't try and understand the intentions of Matthew's Jesus (even though it may take a lot of construction of that ancient culture for me to do so). Unfortunately for legitimacy and context, I go mostly on intuition (most likely an incorrect understanding of the original intent), but this is not as much a problem for me as for someone who might mold their life around this. I simply use my assumptions about the text for thought-provoking purposes, not a basis of my life. (If it was a basis for my life, I would be sure to devote a lot of time to try and understand the real meaning, but even then in the end it all comes down to faith)

So the sun is setting in the window behind my back, casting colored light onto the pages in front of me. The colors are beautiful, of course (it wouldn't be my world if it wasn't), and there's this sense of great importance all around me. These perceived energies of the world pervade me; they kind of lift me right up and out of the material world around me and phase me into a much more ethereal world. It's a very odd experience to write about post facto, but I think it has deep significance to the relation of my feelings, so I include it here. This state is a rather timeless one - not so much as time does not pass, I am almost sure it does at some rate comparable to normal time passage (if not completely normal). But anyways, it takes any practical or logical focus I may have been having (such as reading or studying) and turns it into an emotional and I guess philosophical focus. It's hard to explain succinctly. The most important part would probably be the immense importance it gives to my life and thoughts right then and there, and it makes me think thoroughly and drastically about a wide array of things (this time, however, it was rather focused on my current station in life/love).

It gets even more difficult to articulate my thought processes inside this state. It's all sounds very dramatic, potentially tragic even, from the outside. But if one could step into the same plane of existence as I was at the very time, one would understand that there is deep significance and meaning in the questions and statements I made to myself there. It's hard to say, really, whether life ever has more meaning than when I consider it during these times. This time felt especially poignant, as it was plaintively hopeful (something that happens more often than not at this times). The odd thing about being in this state is that even though the ideas and thoughts I have may seem extreme in their emotional importance, there is no sense of great distress during or after the event. I simply am when I exist in such a state and contemplate such things. Afterwards I simply melt back into the world as easily as I drifted away from it.

So the content of the episode, that's more and less difficult to expound (I've been looking forward to using that word for like 2 days!). I was basically questioning the feelings I've felt lately, how realistic they were, how honest I was being with myself, how these feelings are changing at the present, and how I was to act about this from that point forward. All between and during these various topics (just like I do in here with these parentheses), I am qualifying myself to myself and explaning things that I don't need to explain, to myself (this is an odd trait I have, I will often explain things that I obviously already know (such as how I feel) to myself, as if I were an outside observer).

I can explain my reasons for this, probably. I like to explain things, so explaining things to myself is entertaining as it is important. If I am ever to explain it to someone else, it's always easier having already explained it once! And I understand that people would normally explain things to themselves in such a preparation sometimes, but quite honestly, I do it excessively, and in this case, almost wholly unnecessarily (even though I get to use it now! How I love to help myself look cooler than I am). I also have an understated and unresolved, partial belief, partial sarcasm that I am not just talking to myself, but to whomever out there who can hear my thoughts. Whether this be some deity, the "essence" of the world, the air passing by my head, absolutely no one, or something else, I don't know and could not express. I don't even know if I hope someone is listening or not. I simply do it as a matter of course, now. (I also like using sayings literally) Other than myself, I sometimes address my questions/answers/thoughts to this unknown listener, assuming they're listening (I can't be rude to my mental guest, now can I?). Maybe this means I believe in someone. I'm not quite sure. Maybe you are. Anyways, that's not the focus of this, exactly.

So how was I feeling that made me contemplate such things so deeply? It's rather difficult to say without giving away too much (as that would be rude to some people, I dare say), but it's not enough to say too little and leave the whole point of this writing out in the cold. This places me in quite honestly an annoyingly difficult position, but I have an excellent quality of through caution to the wind and taking all that comes! (Although I usually stay INCREDIBLY reserved while doing this. Cool, huh?) Basically, this blog remains for my purposes (even though anyone can read it), so I feel authorized to say anything about me, and absolutely nothing specific about anyone else. Okay, now that my caution has been noted, let me try to explain this as well as I can.

So rather recently I've been hit with a feeling I haven't felt before. Now this was a shock to me in many ways. One should be rather easy to see - I was simply stunned that there were feelings this strong and this different that I had not felt before, or even had an inkling. Now I've felt some pretty intense emotions before, so that made this doubly surprising, as it had a way of... let's say... trouncing all those that had come before. Now this may have something to do with the fact I haven't felt the strongest emotions of my life in a long time and thus I am far removed from them, maybe to far to compare accurately... BUT I have very few doubts in my mind that this new feeling is much greater in magnitude. One other shocking aspect of this feeling was that it honestly hit me out of left field. I was *thunder-struck*. I'm usually on top of how I'm feeling and can see strongs emotions coming a long ways off, as they usually build off everything that is going on and culminate at some climactic point. Not so much the case this time.

It wouldn't be fair to say I had no inclination, as I had lesser feelings (albeit still quite strong ones) in the same vein as this new feeling. I think just the revelation of this feeling to me was so shocking that I was stunned and lost for words to even think about it clearly to myself. I was more than a little afraid, especially after what transpired just prior to the revelation. It was revealed to me at such a terribly ironic time it made me sick to my stomach (even though, at this point, that was the least of my emotional/physical distress). So, there I am sitting, my mind and emotions frayed beyond anything I've experienced before, and I put on my game face - I can't go to sleep for a long while yet (even though these feelings are rather stressful and quite draining), I'm not in a very pretty position, I'm speaking deathly honestly and I'm trying to convince myself that life is still fair and just, or at least okay. I really tried my very best, something this new feeling compelled me to do direly. I don't think I spoke or acted the least bit insincerely or dishonestly - it wouldn't have been fair if I had.

Anyways, so I finally get to sleep and I don't even get to think before I pass out on the pillow and go immediately into dream world. The exact content of the dream isn't much important and I don't remember most of it, just that my new feeling apparently has extreme influence over what I am dreaming about - the same thing four times in a row. Multiple dreams aren't necessarily an odd thing for me, but about the same exact thing doesn't really happen. (read: ever)

Okay, so I finally wake up (weekend, woo!) and just lie in bed for a while. Now my body and mind are rested, so there's no tiredness muddling my thoughts. They're clear as day. This, unfortunately, is not exactly what I need at the moment. The fear of this new feeling, the fear of what will happen to me because of this new feeling, all the implications it has, etc, etc, were fairly overwhelming. I somehow concluded rather quickly (emotions work faster than logic) that possibly my whole future was in danger of having no meaning. This is QUITE the conclusion for me to make, as meaning of life is fairly important to me (author's note: DUH). So, basically, I'm a wreck and it isn't pretty. (I told you this new feeling was powerful!) Not the best of days, but I did get some much needed outside perspective, went home for a day (my home is my ultimate sanctuary, it could save me from all the horrors of the world, and then some!), then came back with a new face, a new game plan and this now understandable feeling. (I'm still a little rough around the edges handling it, but I'm a quick learner, thankfully)

So, this brings us back to the Chapel. I'm deeply contemplating the significance of this new feeling, how honestly I can say I feel it, what it entails right now and in the future. I'm deeply concerned as to whether or not this feeling is here to stay, whimsical, whether I still feel it at this time in the same way, whether I ever felt it, and other such details about it. (Do I analyze things too much?) I reached some interesting conclusions. It definitely happened, existed, was a new and completely different feeling than I had experienced previously, still is there, and has unpredictable implications for the future. Some people may not be satisfied with these conclusions, and I briefly wrestled with them until I realized they're exactly the kind of conclusions I always come to - Definites and unpredictable outcomes.

But before I was done, I seriously questioned what it meant for the present, and therefore how I should act accordingly. I did not very well define my answer to this, as is a classic trait of myself - I always let future me suffer the laziness/undecisiveness of present/soon to be past me. I have no real problems with this as I know that I am doing it, and in this case I have more justifications. I realized it was something I would need to constantly reassess and play by ear, so even a general outline would be suspect at best. Obviously I want to act sincerely, honestly, courteously and, in general, not like a douche. (Flavor text!) Hehe, just kidding, I want to be nice. (I like nice-guy Todd, he's just too shy in general for most purposes)

Okay, now for the ending to this scene and maybe the most or least important part to it. As is usual in rough situations, I ask the world around me for some help. I addressed it to the list of potential listeners I wrote of before, and probably at least a few more. (When I'm in this state, it just feels like something is listening, so I try not to disappoint) Now you may ask, what help can I possibly ask for from something so intangible and unbelievable as the power of the world? Well, faith, of course! Faith in life and in the future. I wished for strength (this is an odd concept, as I didn't really wish to *gain* strength, I wished that the strength I know I have will be able to sustain me, and if it's not enough, for myself to be able to augment my strength through faith in myself and in the meaning of life). But as much as it seems like this strength is for only myself, I of course can never be so self-engrossed. I wished to be strong in order to be the best and kindest person I can be to everyone around me. I'd dread anything that would make me inable to help out any of the people I care about. And I made that very clear in my address - I was prepared to take on everything (may it be bad or good), and that I would use my strength to keep my ability to help and care for others no matter how I may be feeling. (Now don't think this pessimistic or masochistic, I simply value that more than myself, and it's not like I'm in a terrible state all the time or anything, it's not anywhere near that tragic. And besides, I never said you had to like how I am!)

This is a very good outcome from such a crazy line of questions and answers, especially considering I am not allowed to hope for events to unfold certain ways (my own words prohibit me from doing thus and I take none of them back). This event has given me a great hope for the future, even if that future is completely up in the air (this is a different, more general hope. Most of my life is based around the idea of hope, so I always have some kinds or another in abundance. I'm just a hopeful person). While it is no direct comfort to have no control on my future (not that I ever really do, just an idea of where it is going), it does give me a sense of living that I sometimes get when I realize that the future is entirely unpredictable. (Of course, I'm formulating ideas about it all the time, even on all these subjects. It's just much less sure than any other times)

Is it good or bad? Well, I don't know exactly. It's just life. I like to view life as a good thing more than a bad thing. Even thinking about the words I've written here gives them a hollow feeling to me, and I realize that I can't convey exactly or even very well their significance to me. I realize it all sounds corny, emotional, maybe even whiny and immature. I really hope it's not immature, because I think it's an impossibly telling sign of maturity to be able to convey your emotions and feelings to others in a respectful and honest manner. Maybe I like to make myself feel older than I am, or to give more legitimacy to my claims here. Maybe I'm afraid it will make me appear crazy, presumptive, unknowing or obsessive. I hope not. Because then maybe I would be. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because I'm writing these words regardless, and to me, that's all that matters. I'm comfortable sharing this, and I'm really doing it to provide insight into myself that I feel absolutely no one has ever had the privilege to have. I hope it provides some way to relate emotionally, and sets a good example for conveying your own emotions to others. If you see that other people really do feel and think things this crazy and unrestrained, maybe that will be comforting (maybe unsettling!). I don't mind so much. I know my own intentions behind this, and that will always be enough for me.

Ending? Maybe I'm just fanciful, but I don't like ending these things. There never seems to be a concise point where I can say "It's done!" So I'll try to say some comments or such. This new feeling is a beast. I like to say beef a lot. I have emotions. I read the Bible. Chapels make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I have no religion. I believe deeply in a meaning for life. I have no idea what that meaning is. Sometimes I get real and true senses as to what that meaning is. And I revel in those feelings when they happen. I think the world is a true comfort and shines light onto life's meaning all the time (at least to me it does). I think I'm too young to get married. I think I'd like to, though. I think it's the thing for me. I think it will give my life deep meaning. I suspect I'm not the only one who ever thinks about these things. I think if you're still reading this, you're a hero. Maybe you're my hero! Do I need a hero?

I would like to say I live well. I would love to say people love me. I like chocolate ice cream. I don't know which of all of this is the most significant to me. I don't know if any of it is significant to life. I know life is significant to me. I'm going to keep trying to be the best I can be. I am only who I am, but who am I? I have a dream that I'll be someone who makes life significant for someone else. I will never stop trying. I don't know why. I love. A lot. I probably love you. Maybe even if I don't know you. I don't say love very often. I try to reserve it to give it special meaning. But I think I just end up underusing it. But there is always hope for the future. I think that's a good place to end. Be peaceful, find serenity, farewell for now.

0348