It Never Ends

There's a fire at the throat of the world, and I can feel its pulse. The older I get, the deeper everything becomes, and the less need I have to show off myself. I am not very competitive by nature, but I've always felt a strong desire to succeed, and in intellectual areas especially. It's probably my Fe (read: I'm an INFJ) nature to want to impress others to some extent with my capabilities. I work hard to maintain my humility and now I never feel the need to brag. As I mature, I find that the desire for praise has become a more abstract desire to accomplish things praiseworthy, and to find happiness from a job well done. I'm becoming increasingly more self-sufficient with regards to my positive emotions.

I have felt the calming of the fiery, heated passion of my emotions with great dismay and neutral observance. As I've exited the stage of rampant hormones, I've developed an almost constant, calm sense of serenity. But for one who used to rage with a torrential inferno of feelings that rained molten terror upon the desolate landscapes of my imagination, this calm feels like a death. Have I lost the raging fury of my indomitable spirit? Where did my desire to fight an endless battle against the unjust go?

At any rate, I certainly haven't lost my flare for the dramatic, as you can tell. And I haven't lost my need to share with others, certainly - for I only write blog and journal entries like this to post in some public space for others to read, even if I know they most likely will never be seen. But there's some fundamental hope within me that they will be discovered and enjoyed by someone important, and that such a person will be able to understand me on a deeper level. As an Enneagram 4w5, being understood is at the core of my wishes. And those dreams of a future filled with the care and discernment of another never cease.

I would say the fire still readily exists; it has just been buried deep beneath the waters of my soul. I really have become much more like a slowly flowing river than the pyre of rage of my past. I wasn't really a hot-headed crazy man yelling and storming around in anger all the time; I was merely just someone with fierce emotions of all kinds. And I think now my emotionality has turned to depth instead of violent energy. I am no longer filled to bursting with my feelings, but they extend down eternally into the inner chambers of my self. It certainly feels like my atman is pervading the entirety of brahman. I've always been a deep person, whose wells of life extend deep into the essence of the soul, but now it feels like my whole being is submerged and drags on into infinity, not just the innermost point.

As much as I consciously am aware of this shift, and as much as I say to myself that I dislike it, I have no feelings towards it one way or another. Life just happens, and I change along with it. My philosophy of "go with the flow" has been much more deeply integrated into my being, and I've been able to let go of many negative emotions and memories. Maybe I am on the Eightfold Path in a natural attempt to reach Nirvana. That has certainly never been a goal of mine, just a consequence of how life unfurls itself. My emotions have always been quite precious to me, so I have tended to hold on to them tightly. But now they flow through me as smoothly as my life flows through time. I wonder where my fate will take me next.

Every time I read entries by myself from periods past, I always tend to smirk. I guess it's because I can see the maturation process. But the words I've written before will always ring true, as they live unto themselves. Those feelings I had were encapsulated in them, and give a peak into my being. Even if I have changed, I can still feel how the words are a part of me, and how my feelings now have evolved from those prior. It's kind of strange, how drastically we change. Some things stay ever constant, but other things that used to mean so much just drifted away.

I wonder where I'll drift to next. I wonder where she is.