Juice

So I really love juice. It's pretty much the best thing ever. Welch's man. Grape, Apple, Raspberry, Cherry, even White Grape. The combinations are as sweet as they are cool. I make it from frozen juice concentrate. I can drink juice at any meal and with any food; I haven't come upon anything that isn't compatible with some kind of juice yet. Here at Colby, I often mix grape and apple from the tap, and it suffices fairly well. I don't usually have the right stuff to make juice in my dorm room, so when I do it's a special occasion indeed. And man is it rockin'.

At Tanner's house back home I like cranberry pomegranate. Each on their own is pretty intolerable (I *can* handle some cranberry juice if it's really cold with ice cubes in it, but usually only if I'm direly thirsty), but together there is some harmony that shows itself with a very respectable taste. I also like cranberry and some type of ginger ale/lemon lime type soda mix.

I've heard people speak of comfort food before. I think juice is my comfort drink. I don't drink wine, and from the smell of it I can't imagine it be anything but a bad version of white grape juice (which on its own is very difficult to handle). Does juice have any special significance? Well maybe not to someone who doesn't like it, but it's such a big part of my life I think it deserves some special mention. Little things that you don't think about or give any significance to in the ordinary carrying out of your day do a great deal in making up who you are. So basically, I'm a glass of juice.

Orange juice is okay and has its purposes, but it's not my favorite, and I especially don't like it with pulp. Fruit punch usually turns out to be really good. Lemonade (pink or otherwise) is also an excellent addition to the list. I'm sure there are some others, but I think you get the point.

Tomorrow is not going to be the most fun of days. I'll wake up in about 5 hours, go to physics lab (which probably won't be too fun, and probably a little tedious), then eat lunch sometime, come back, do homework, more homework, then some more, then probably a little more, then eat some dinner, come back, do more homework, keep doing homework, maybe take a nap, do more homework, etc. I may just take a nap right after lab, seeing as I might not be in peak thinking condition, and that would be disastrous for the amount of homework I have (read: it would be super annoying). I'm not exactly complaining - I take the work with the classes I signed up for, and I have expected no less all semester. I'm just tired and winding down my day thinking about it.

Today I've been curiously distracted by the notion of my maturity and readiness for the classical "adult" stages in life. Sometimes it seems like I'm really old and should be in a farther stage in life than I am, and other times I feel frustrated and immature in my emotions and actions. I don't think growing up is a very exact or predictable process; it's just different for everyone in different ways. And this makes sense and should be expected, but it still leaves me in the dark as to why I seem so mature sometimes and so immature at others. Maybe my immature areas just haven't had a need or haven't had the chance/ability to develop as quickly as or at the same rate as other areas. I dunno. Maybe I'm just a teenager. (I am, by the way!) I sometimes try to ascribe monumental decisions about life and ultimate meaning to myself and my actions but it usually seems to fall flat or become impractical almost immediately. I also don't find this very surprising; it just makes me curious as to whether or not I would have the clarity of mind to make such a decision if the time ever came.

I would like to and should say more on this, and I probably will sometime or other, but right now sleep and work are taking their precedence. So I guess I'll just leave with one idea for a future time - it seems like it's almost impossibly hard to be a gentleman or kind and polite person in the world today (I don't know if it ever was, really. I have nothing by which to compare). People either don't assume you're sincere, pass it off dismissively, feign ignorance of recognition, assume you have an ulterior motive or just get upset. It's gotten to a point in my life where all the nice and caring things I used to do for people (usually just small things, like compliments and nice gestures) I don't bother with anymore, simply to avoid a negative reaction. I guess I can be blamed as being lazy and just not trying hard enough, but being nice isn't something you should have to try hard at to be - you should just be nice and that's enough.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I've just had excessive bad luck in most of my affairs, maybe I'm just doing something wrong. But I doubt sincerely that I'm being that out of place. I dunno, maybe I just need to start with a smile and work my way up from there. Whatever the case, I don't think I'll stop trying completely anytime soon - maybe some chance encounters will prove fruitful in the future, and that will encourage a sort of revival of good spirits, so to speak.

At the very least, this week will end well, I have great hope for that. And, quite honestly, I will always have my juice. Maybe I just need to concentrate on some other little things to give me some perspective. Chin up, eyes to the stars, sparkles in your eyes. (Probably from hope!) Everyone have a great day.

0327

Up Late

So I'm up as late as I was last night. Except I will wake up at 0900 this time. It was a pretty smooth sailing day - Tuesday is my off day with only physics discussion. Tuesday is also my homework day, and I spent all afternoon and night working away at Hebrew and Bible homework, except for a break in Zach's room around 0100. I think I'm actually starting to learn the Hebrew in this book that I should be pretty well at this point. It's getting harder, but I think I'm managing it much better this week. The most important part is that it's fun, and that's always a saving grace when I realize I'm only going to be getting 4 hours of sleep that night.

Today another spontaneous decision event happened! And this time, I was successful, but it required me to wait just a little bit for it to happen (in the meantime I was busy doing Hebrew and wondering just what would transpire). It was totally fun and worthwhile, if not a little jarring at one particular point. Now more than ever I'm curious as to what will happen in my life next, as everything seems to be itching towards something cool. I say cool because I have no idea what it will be, if anything, and I like to hope for the best.

Tanner is coming all the way up to Maine this weekend to see me, so that should be amazing-tastic. I'm still thinking of what we should do, but I'm sure going with the flow will work out perfectly fine, as I somehow always seem to be doing random things all weekend.

Tomorrow is my long day - all five classes. But for whatever reasons, I'm feeling rather comfortably hopeful about how good it will be. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because today was a pretty fine day, and that probably translates directly to how I'll act tomorrow - if I expect to have a good day, I'll be way more attuned to the good things and much less to the bad. But that's all natural and logical, and I always like to sound a little eccentric and crazy, so I'll say that I feel good about tomorrow because something good is going to happen! Well, only time will tell. I'm sure I'll fill you in on it sooner or later.

TTFN, have a great day.
0500.

A Second Too Late

Okay, pretty good weekend/start to the week. The mode of this weekend seems to be not doing homework, as that's exactly what I did not do! Which is nuts, so I'm trying to make up for it some tonight (Biblical Hebrew baby!). Friday was pretty much hang out with the cool cats from international coffee hour all day; we watched a movie, went to the Meigs acappella concert, went and finished the movie, returned it to the library and then went to a dance that was completely for us! (We were the first ones there, and the first ones to leave, hehe) Saturday was pretty cool - did stuff, stayed up until like 0800 or something ridiculous. Sunday was pretty good too. I slept. And then did some homework. Watched Vicki Cristina Barcelona (sp hax?) which was a pretty over the top movie by Woody Allen. Apparently it's made *only* for guys, as any girl who saw it said it was pretty terrible. But maybe that's why it's so good!

Anyways, this post's inspiration draws from timeliness. Continuing in the chaotic theme of the last entry, this will progress for an unknowingly long amount of time, but this time I have no structure. I just got back a second too late (for what you might ask? Well stay tuned, you might be able to figure it out, but no promises). This seems to happen to me a lot, or at least not infrequently. It probably happens to me just the same as everyone else, but I always notice it because quite honestly when you miss something by just an instant, it sticks in your mind, sometimes for a long time afterwards. This always evokes varying, yet not dissimilar reactions from me. So, now we delve in on another journey into the mind of Todd... (Are you anxious? I know *I* am!)

Basically it rolls itself out like this: something in me clicks/makes an instantaneous decision and I set off to do that/carry out the action right away. For simplicity, we'll say most of these events are very small and seemingly insignificant things (they could be anything really, even as simple as going to a specific place). To be fair, sometimes I get an urge to do something random like this and actually deeply consider it before I decide to take action. It seems a little bit ridiculous to deeply consider something as simple as these things, but for some reason it seems like life is hanging in the balance to a certain degree. (And to be honest, it is a little bit. I mean, we only get to make one definite decision/action every moment in time, and that can never be undone or changed. Our life is on one path, even if that path has infinite possibilities for the future - the past is always the same) I usually seem to get very anxious when I start to considering doing these things or not, and I'm not entirely sure why - it's probably something to do with the infinite possibilities of carrying it out and what will happen afterwards. (I mean, they ARE random considerations, right?)

I think it's important to note my ambiguity and vagueness here (okay, I'm teasing just a tad, but not really). It's really hard to give a concrete example because these moments are so random and undefinable, and also very fleeting. They pass as soon as they came to be, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled (I think they remain unfulfilled more often, but now that I think about it I can't say either way). Sometimes I'm very deeply disappointed, sometimes I don't ever think about it again. This seems to vary directly to how much time I spend considering acting it out, but there are rare cases when I can be very disappointed when I've acted without any consideration whatsoever, so this rule has exceptions. This seems to be a logical psychological conclusion - obviously if I attach more value, time and consideration to an idea and decide to go through with it, the more disappointed I will be when it doesn't work out the way I planned. But we have to look deeper here, because that's not all that's going on.

This may start to get very strange and philosophical, and I'm not sure how it will pan out, but I'll just be as honest and sincere as I can, and hope for the best. So, drawing from an earlier post, I described myself as living an enchanted life through my worldview. This is fairly accurate. While most of the time, purely for practicality, I adhere to logical and earthly motivations and considerations for everyday/mundane things - sometimes my inner worldview takes over and casts a very poetic and ethereal view on the world and everything in it. A good analogy is simply that it's like looking at life through a kaleidoscope compared to everyday glasses. Everything is incredibly beautiful, scintillatingly so. Everything has a certain otherwordly quality to it, think of it like this: imagine all objects as not having a definite shape, and swaying or being blown about in gentle breezes and sometime strong gusts of wind. The malleable outline of objects transform (contort is NOT the right word, as it is a very natural, smooth flow. It's very wrong to use hard consonants to describe it [I told you it was poetic, even the word choice of describing it matters]), and they kind of swirl and sweep into each other. Colors blends and fill things up, only to meld and warm into other objects. It's kind of like a pattern of highlighting - once colors meld with certain objects and my focus becomes fully atuned to that idea, it will pass out from the object and swirl towards a new collection of objects that form new ideas.

Think of the colors moving from object to object as wispy, colored smoke (by colored, think light oranges, luminescent blues, all sorts of prettiness and fantasy). Now that we have some sort of relevant image, take the feelings and emotions you might experience by seeing all these sights - awe, amazement, peace, tranquility, serenity, etc. and apply it to everyday situations. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well it is. Everything in the world can take on these crazy meanings, stir up unrelated emotions, impact your heart and mind in extraordinary ways, and basically just change your perception of everything. Some might say this is lunacy, but I like to say that I'm not on an acid trip or anything, it's merely feelings and different perspectives that rule my world at these times. Also, it can be very fleeting - I can be grounded to reality very easily most of the time, and I can recognize what is happening around me in an everyday view if I need to or desire. This is a very incomplete description - it merely scratches the surface, and if it were the topic of this post I'd go much deeper into it to give you a much stronger relation to it. But since it is merely useful as a tool to explain what I need to here, I'll now tie it in. (Don't worry, I'll probably expand greatly upon this in future posts, it's an integral part of my life)

So now we're sitting here thinking: "Man, this guy is crazy as a fudgesicle, what's the point in all this madness?!!? Is this a cry for psychological help????" Nope, sorry. Basically, this alternate viewpoint crops up randomly from time to time (similar to these random feelings to make random decisions! Uh oh, a coincidence??). If you remember from the last post, the "Chapel experience" was one of these episodes. These episodes seem to make me deeply consider life's meaning and the meaning of everything around me in completely random and ridiculous ways (remember, it gives significance to completely mundane and random things sometimes). I think this has a direct connection to the significance I give to my spontaneous events.

Often it takes strong emotions or serenity for an episode to occur, and these little random events seem to be a perfect way to accomplish that. They have the same idea of taking seemingly insignificant things and giving great import to them sometimes (just like the episodes, sometimes what is important and meaningful in them is very important to me in everyday life). But they're such little and insignificant things that it shocks me to find me so attached to these ideas - it's an incredibly romanticized and dramatized occurence. Sometimes it doesn't matter at all to me, and this presents some options for interpretation (because if they always meant a lot to me, that would be fairly straightforward in trying to interpret).

So what can this all mean to and for me? Let's get at the heart of it. I make these decisions that randomly pop into my head because I *feel* I need to, or that they *deserve* some special attention or consideration. This is very weird to just happen without reason. So I conclude that there must be at least one reason that is not consciously in my mind for why I feel the need to consider and carry out these actions. This leaves a few possibilities. Either there is some logical reason subconsciously that's too basic for me to put into logical, conscious words, or it's some kind of emotionally trained response, or is something integral to who I am/how I live/exist. This last options has seemed to produce the most fruit for me personally, as it's just more realiastic to think that it has to do with some integral part of my worldview/personality/soul/what-have-you. Obviously it's not exclusive coming from one direction, but this seems to be the heart of the matter, and that's what we're after right now!

Let's look at this idea more in-depth, and see what we can find. The need to consider and make decisions about seemingly random events seems to come from some integral part of my being/worldview. Okay. This isn't going to be a piece of cake. There are a lot of things to consider here, many of which I can't think of from my very subjective point of view. I don't know how I have reacted subconsciously/partitively to every event that has ever happened to me, so I can't claim to have inexhaustible knowledge of all my beliefs and feelings about everything. This being the case, I have to take a much more realistic approach of looking at my current values and beliefs in order to extract what seems to be the basic motivation of my life.

Whew, that sounds much easier! (Hah!) So, uhh, yeah. Everything I believe and feel, and the *basic motivation of my life*. This is outright ludicrous. So let's do it. For the sake of everything holy, and for the matter that time is not endless, I'm going to try to discriminate between my values and beliefs and pull out what I have thus far concluded to be relevant to this. Basically, it has to deal directly with how I perceive the world and my connection to it. This makes sense, considering the episodes seem to deal directly with how I perceive the world, and these random events allude to how I feel about what could possibly happen in the world (the future, consequences of my actions, etc).

So, how does this relate to my view of how the world and I interact? It's a little complex to state plainly. I have deep feelings and beliefs on this matter that are hard to vocalize as they are akin to "gut instincts" or "deeply held religious beliefs." Lately I've tried to explain it as the feeling where you just *know* something. I assume that if you believe in God, it's the same type of feeling - general knowledge that what you know is right. (This may have less to do with belief, however. It seems to be a feeling I *could* believe in, but I believe in it because I *know* it) Okay, so what are these knowing feelings I have about the world? It's a little bit of a stretch, as it's hard to say whether or not I'm positive I believe in them myself, but they're there nonetheless.

I love the world. My favorite place in the world is my home in Pepperell. When I'm there, I'm the safest in the world, the strongest, the most enduring, everything maximally exuberant. It feels like the center of the universe to me (the center of my world/life, more accurately). The energies of the world seem to coalesce there for me. This is a good place to start from. I feel most naturally in the world and a part of life when I am there. I get my episodes most frequently when I am home, often around sunset when I go out and look at the sky and trees around. I just feel completely part of the world and I have this understanding of my existence in tandem with all that is around me. I kind of assimilate into the world and become one with it, as is the common phrase. It's just a completely natural feeling of belonging. This will serve us well examining my view of the world.

Everywhere I seem to go, the world seems to be "looking out for" or "helping" me along. This is very possibly simply my *perception* of the world, as these episodes seem to go a long way in reinforcing this idea to me. Basically, when I need strength or help, I *always* seem to find it by going somewhere in the world and "drawing in" its energies. I simply go somewhere and assimilate into the world like I do at home. This assimilation process can only be described as the most intense of episodes with an amazing sense of serenity. This allows me to have a kind of personal relationship with the world around me. Like I said in the last post, while I was in the Chapel I addressed my words to the world/whoever would listen. While that had a much more specifically deific quality to the address, it was in the same vein. The main difference is that when I'm assimilating into the world, I don't need to address anyone *usually* (although I do sometimes use words thought to something). I don't even usually use words in my thoughts for at least most of it. I just kind of let my emotions and feelings speak for me to the world, which seems to listen and understand and provide some kind of harmony that completely fills me and heals me. (This healing is very unique to the situation, as it doesn't *cure* heartbreak or the like, it only heals it for a while. It's just a general "things will be okay" healing)

This has over time created an incredibly affection in my for the world. Most hopes, dreams and such I assume are heard by the world and understood. I also seem to have the belief that the world tries hard to make it very possible for these dreams and hopes to come to fruition, and THAT is the key to understanding my feeling towards random events. Basically, if the world is trying to help me, I've come to interpret these seemingly random feelings as the world TELLING ME that there's something incredibly important and helpful for my hopes and dreams that I should be doing. Now, honestly, this is beyond ludicrous, and I can logically see that. But it doesn't matter one bit, as I feel it integrally. It's as much a part of me as any feeling I've ever had. There just *seems* to be some sense that the world is helping me out, and these spontaneous events therefore have extreme importance.

It's very weird to consider the outcome of these events and to judge if they've had significance to what has transpired later. It would probably be impossible to say if my success in any of these events has gone on in the future to produce fruit and benefit me. Relationships with others and events and actions by everyone generally are a culmination of absolutely everything that has happened up until that point, so absolutely any tiny thing one does at any moment in time could be credited with helping do almost everything that happens in the future. The possibilities are ridiculously infinite. So this makes testing any theories I have about this pretty much impossible. And that means it has to go off faith.

And is my faith always constant? Is it always as strong as it is in the most extreme of cases? Nope. I've already stated that sometimes I'm deeply disappointed and sometimes I'm not at all. Generally, my mood/other things at the time seem to be able to influence the impact that these events have on me. Now here you could argue that they therefore don't seem to have significance and don't seem to be part of some plan set up by the world for me. But I don't think that's exactly fair - because these events usually feel like they have significance. Sometimes it might be the unfulfillment of these events that has more significance - to me, if I don't succeed, it may be the world telling me something and warning me; the world could be telling me that I don't really have control of the future and maybe even the world doesn't, so I shouldn't try to hard to influence my future. This is why I generally just go with the flow. (I say that a lot, and I mean it) I generally seem to adhere almost perfectly well to the idea of no regrets - I know what I do at the time I do it is what I ultimately wanted to do after I weighed all my options. This is very important - as I couldn't live with the idea that my future has been ruined or completely changed because I forgot to tie my shoes right or something (whether it be very important or not at all).

I used to, for a long time in my life, worry that everything I did was changing my future constantly and that any of the things I did could lead me to a future I didn't want, or more importantly, for which I wasn't "destined." That's an incredibly hard deal to swallow, and I'm thankful for my personal revelation that exactly what happens is "meant" to happen simply because it did. Your destiny is either mapped or it isn't, but you can't exactly "change" the future, because everything you do you do. You can't change past actions, and your present is entirely dependent upon them, and so your future is too. You could say that you're changing the future by thinking about what effect certain actions would have in your future and then taking the action you most desire, but uhh.. that's what people do... Quite honestly, every decision you make is one in which you commit to and think will yield the best outcome (or at least the one you're most likely to accept). So really, you have no effect on the future by deciding what to do, because you were always going to do *something,* and that something is *EXACTLY what you did!* Basically, the future is a ridiculous idea, as it is what it is ONLY WHEN it happens. And then it's not the future anymore, is it? Heh heh heh.

So if we can't change the future ("directly" would be a good compromise for those who think you can), the past, or how we feel in the present, what can we do? Well, we can only decide what to do right now (and plan for the future, but doing that is also just making a decision to make a plan). So basically everytime one of these spontaneous events pops up, it's can have AMAZING significance to me because it's the only thing that matters at the time! That decision will affect everything, but my decision about it was always meant to be, so to speak, so there's nothing of which to be afraid. But that still doesn't mean I can't be anxious about it, because I can still *think* that the outcome of my decision matters. And realistically, the decision itself matters as it determines what I'm going to do right then, which is necessary for everyone to do at every instant they're alive. You could probably construct a definition of being alive and human as having to always make decisions when capable (aka conscious, or in control of your situation, as in dreams).

So, am I justified in caring so much about these random spontaneous events? To me I am, but I see no reason why anyone else couldn't disagree. I just give importance to strange things sometimes. These random little events technically could end up being the most significant things that ever happen to me, or they could always just be little things that aren't even relevant at the time. I honestly don't know, as I don't know the future. I only hope that the world is looking out for me, or that I can always continue to perceive that it is. I think there's something in these little events, but that's only a feeling. I'll just go with the flow and hope for the best. May your future be as bright and full of love as I hope mine will be.

And really, I was only a second too late.
0151

Touble-Maker!

So I'm almost sticking to my goal of posting every day...! ... Yeah, okay. Anyways, basically I've been a busy beaver once again with all my homework (joy becomes me...). But that's okay, because homework is pretty fun still, or at least not painful. Biblical Hebrew never seems to disappoint, even though it has become considerably harder and now I'm getting more work for it this week. But basically it only means that I have to work a little harder and space out my work much better. I feel like my homework is keeping me removed from others more than it ever has, but honestly it's just because I'm doing it after my classes instead of late at night after everyone goes to sleep. It basically allows me to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night, and attend breakfastly not irregularly, so potentially a good idea.

I've started doing homework most days in the Chapel - I'm the only one in there and it's very quiet and peaceful. It's probably more a dramatic decision based on my feelings of the weight of the material in my homework (New Testament/Hebrew, anyone?). This book has unlimited importance to so many people, and I think I've always wanted to know why (I honestly can say that I have no intentions of finding anything for my own personal beliefs in it, but I do have great expectations about finding things that may help my understanding of others and maybe people/life in general). The Chapel setting seems to reflect perfectly my feelings everytime I revisit the texts I use for my homework, for a number of reasons. Lately I've been feeling a profound connection to the people around me unlike that which I have felt before. I will admit, I don't much like it. For all its goodness and possibly even necessity, it's made me think about massive and sometimes tragic subjects. It doesn't always make me feel varying degrees of bad, quite the contrary - sometimes I feel amazingly grounded in the world around me and I feel a strong part of and responsibility for the world in which I live. I don't know well how to explain it all, so I will relate my most recent experience in the Chapel in hopes this sheds light on what I'm feeling.

Reading the New Testament (Matthew specifically), I start to realize how the words enclosed could have the impact they have had. The language is attractive, the messages are idyllic, the parables and teachings are intelligently crafted and thought-provoking, etc, etc. Matthew was designed very well and gets its point across without a missed note. He wants to say that Jesus' new interpretations of the laws laid out by Moses are correct, and that they are the most prevalent and important to follow first. What I like about the interpretations, however, is that their whole point is to get at the heart/intention of each law, and draw the "goodness" from it. This seems like a very honest and practical way to go about viewing and following the laws of Torah, and has a strong emphasis on love. It's all very human, very warming and very communal. It is also written for its time and audience, so I can't take everything at face value (or even most of it, for that matter), for I am not a first century Jew. But that doesn't mean I can't try and understand the intentions of Matthew's Jesus (even though it may take a lot of construction of that ancient culture for me to do so). Unfortunately for legitimacy and context, I go mostly on intuition (most likely an incorrect understanding of the original intent), but this is not as much a problem for me as for someone who might mold their life around this. I simply use my assumptions about the text for thought-provoking purposes, not a basis of my life. (If it was a basis for my life, I would be sure to devote a lot of time to try and understand the real meaning, but even then in the end it all comes down to faith)

So the sun is setting in the window behind my back, casting colored light onto the pages in front of me. The colors are beautiful, of course (it wouldn't be my world if it wasn't), and there's this sense of great importance all around me. These perceived energies of the world pervade me; they kind of lift me right up and out of the material world around me and phase me into a much more ethereal world. It's a very odd experience to write about post facto, but I think it has deep significance to the relation of my feelings, so I include it here. This state is a rather timeless one - not so much as time does not pass, I am almost sure it does at some rate comparable to normal time passage (if not completely normal). But anyways, it takes any practical or logical focus I may have been having (such as reading or studying) and turns it into an emotional and I guess philosophical focus. It's hard to explain succinctly. The most important part would probably be the immense importance it gives to my life and thoughts right then and there, and it makes me think thoroughly and drastically about a wide array of things (this time, however, it was rather focused on my current station in life/love).

It gets even more difficult to articulate my thought processes inside this state. It's all sounds very dramatic, potentially tragic even, from the outside. But if one could step into the same plane of existence as I was at the very time, one would understand that there is deep significance and meaning in the questions and statements I made to myself there. It's hard to say, really, whether life ever has more meaning than when I consider it during these times. This time felt especially poignant, as it was plaintively hopeful (something that happens more often than not at this times). The odd thing about being in this state is that even though the ideas and thoughts I have may seem extreme in their emotional importance, there is no sense of great distress during or after the event. I simply am when I exist in such a state and contemplate such things. Afterwards I simply melt back into the world as easily as I drifted away from it.

So the content of the episode, that's more and less difficult to expound (I've been looking forward to using that word for like 2 days!). I was basically questioning the feelings I've felt lately, how realistic they were, how honest I was being with myself, how these feelings are changing at the present, and how I was to act about this from that point forward. All between and during these various topics (just like I do in here with these parentheses), I am qualifying myself to myself and explaning things that I don't need to explain, to myself (this is an odd trait I have, I will often explain things that I obviously already know (such as how I feel) to myself, as if I were an outside observer).

I can explain my reasons for this, probably. I like to explain things, so explaining things to myself is entertaining as it is important. If I am ever to explain it to someone else, it's always easier having already explained it once! And I understand that people would normally explain things to themselves in such a preparation sometimes, but quite honestly, I do it excessively, and in this case, almost wholly unnecessarily (even though I get to use it now! How I love to help myself look cooler than I am). I also have an understated and unresolved, partial belief, partial sarcasm that I am not just talking to myself, but to whomever out there who can hear my thoughts. Whether this be some deity, the "essence" of the world, the air passing by my head, absolutely no one, or something else, I don't know and could not express. I don't even know if I hope someone is listening or not. I simply do it as a matter of course, now. (I also like using sayings literally) Other than myself, I sometimes address my questions/answers/thoughts to this unknown listener, assuming they're listening (I can't be rude to my mental guest, now can I?). Maybe this means I believe in someone. I'm not quite sure. Maybe you are. Anyways, that's not the focus of this, exactly.

So how was I feeling that made me contemplate such things so deeply? It's rather difficult to say without giving away too much (as that would be rude to some people, I dare say), but it's not enough to say too little and leave the whole point of this writing out in the cold. This places me in quite honestly an annoyingly difficult position, but I have an excellent quality of through caution to the wind and taking all that comes! (Although I usually stay INCREDIBLY reserved while doing this. Cool, huh?) Basically, this blog remains for my purposes (even though anyone can read it), so I feel authorized to say anything about me, and absolutely nothing specific about anyone else. Okay, now that my caution has been noted, let me try to explain this as well as I can.

So rather recently I've been hit with a feeling I haven't felt before. Now this was a shock to me in many ways. One should be rather easy to see - I was simply stunned that there were feelings this strong and this different that I had not felt before, or even had an inkling. Now I've felt some pretty intense emotions before, so that made this doubly surprising, as it had a way of... let's say... trouncing all those that had come before. Now this may have something to do with the fact I haven't felt the strongest emotions of my life in a long time and thus I am far removed from them, maybe to far to compare accurately... BUT I have very few doubts in my mind that this new feeling is much greater in magnitude. One other shocking aspect of this feeling was that it honestly hit me out of left field. I was *thunder-struck*. I'm usually on top of how I'm feeling and can see strongs emotions coming a long ways off, as they usually build off everything that is going on and culminate at some climactic point. Not so much the case this time.

It wouldn't be fair to say I had no inclination, as I had lesser feelings (albeit still quite strong ones) in the same vein as this new feeling. I think just the revelation of this feeling to me was so shocking that I was stunned and lost for words to even think about it clearly to myself. I was more than a little afraid, especially after what transpired just prior to the revelation. It was revealed to me at such a terribly ironic time it made me sick to my stomach (even though, at this point, that was the least of my emotional/physical distress). So, there I am sitting, my mind and emotions frayed beyond anything I've experienced before, and I put on my game face - I can't go to sleep for a long while yet (even though these feelings are rather stressful and quite draining), I'm not in a very pretty position, I'm speaking deathly honestly and I'm trying to convince myself that life is still fair and just, or at least okay. I really tried my very best, something this new feeling compelled me to do direly. I don't think I spoke or acted the least bit insincerely or dishonestly - it wouldn't have been fair if I had.

Anyways, so I finally get to sleep and I don't even get to think before I pass out on the pillow and go immediately into dream world. The exact content of the dream isn't much important and I don't remember most of it, just that my new feeling apparently has extreme influence over what I am dreaming about - the same thing four times in a row. Multiple dreams aren't necessarily an odd thing for me, but about the same exact thing doesn't really happen. (read: ever)

Okay, so I finally wake up (weekend, woo!) and just lie in bed for a while. Now my body and mind are rested, so there's no tiredness muddling my thoughts. They're clear as day. This, unfortunately, is not exactly what I need at the moment. The fear of this new feeling, the fear of what will happen to me because of this new feeling, all the implications it has, etc, etc, were fairly overwhelming. I somehow concluded rather quickly (emotions work faster than logic) that possibly my whole future was in danger of having no meaning. This is QUITE the conclusion for me to make, as meaning of life is fairly important to me (author's note: DUH). So, basically, I'm a wreck and it isn't pretty. (I told you this new feeling was powerful!) Not the best of days, but I did get some much needed outside perspective, went home for a day (my home is my ultimate sanctuary, it could save me from all the horrors of the world, and then some!), then came back with a new face, a new game plan and this now understandable feeling. (I'm still a little rough around the edges handling it, but I'm a quick learner, thankfully)

So, this brings us back to the Chapel. I'm deeply contemplating the significance of this new feeling, how honestly I can say I feel it, what it entails right now and in the future. I'm deeply concerned as to whether or not this feeling is here to stay, whimsical, whether I still feel it at this time in the same way, whether I ever felt it, and other such details about it. (Do I analyze things too much?) I reached some interesting conclusions. It definitely happened, existed, was a new and completely different feeling than I had experienced previously, still is there, and has unpredictable implications for the future. Some people may not be satisfied with these conclusions, and I briefly wrestled with them until I realized they're exactly the kind of conclusions I always come to - Definites and unpredictable outcomes.

But before I was done, I seriously questioned what it meant for the present, and therefore how I should act accordingly. I did not very well define my answer to this, as is a classic trait of myself - I always let future me suffer the laziness/undecisiveness of present/soon to be past me. I have no real problems with this as I know that I am doing it, and in this case I have more justifications. I realized it was something I would need to constantly reassess and play by ear, so even a general outline would be suspect at best. Obviously I want to act sincerely, honestly, courteously and, in general, not like a douche. (Flavor text!) Hehe, just kidding, I want to be nice. (I like nice-guy Todd, he's just too shy in general for most purposes)

Okay, now for the ending to this scene and maybe the most or least important part to it. As is usual in rough situations, I ask the world around me for some help. I addressed it to the list of potential listeners I wrote of before, and probably at least a few more. (When I'm in this state, it just feels like something is listening, so I try not to disappoint) Now you may ask, what help can I possibly ask for from something so intangible and unbelievable as the power of the world? Well, faith, of course! Faith in life and in the future. I wished for strength (this is an odd concept, as I didn't really wish to *gain* strength, I wished that the strength I know I have will be able to sustain me, and if it's not enough, for myself to be able to augment my strength through faith in myself and in the meaning of life). But as much as it seems like this strength is for only myself, I of course can never be so self-engrossed. I wished to be strong in order to be the best and kindest person I can be to everyone around me. I'd dread anything that would make me inable to help out any of the people I care about. And I made that very clear in my address - I was prepared to take on everything (may it be bad or good), and that I would use my strength to keep my ability to help and care for others no matter how I may be feeling. (Now don't think this pessimistic or masochistic, I simply value that more than myself, and it's not like I'm in a terrible state all the time or anything, it's not anywhere near that tragic. And besides, I never said you had to like how I am!)

This is a very good outcome from such a crazy line of questions and answers, especially considering I am not allowed to hope for events to unfold certain ways (my own words prohibit me from doing thus and I take none of them back). This event has given me a great hope for the future, even if that future is completely up in the air (this is a different, more general hope. Most of my life is based around the idea of hope, so I always have some kinds or another in abundance. I'm just a hopeful person). While it is no direct comfort to have no control on my future (not that I ever really do, just an idea of where it is going), it does give me a sense of living that I sometimes get when I realize that the future is entirely unpredictable. (Of course, I'm formulating ideas about it all the time, even on all these subjects. It's just much less sure than any other times)

Is it good or bad? Well, I don't know exactly. It's just life. I like to view life as a good thing more than a bad thing. Even thinking about the words I've written here gives them a hollow feeling to me, and I realize that I can't convey exactly or even very well their significance to me. I realize it all sounds corny, emotional, maybe even whiny and immature. I really hope it's not immature, because I think it's an impossibly telling sign of maturity to be able to convey your emotions and feelings to others in a respectful and honest manner. Maybe I like to make myself feel older than I am, or to give more legitimacy to my claims here. Maybe I'm afraid it will make me appear crazy, presumptive, unknowing or obsessive. I hope not. Because then maybe I would be. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because I'm writing these words regardless, and to me, that's all that matters. I'm comfortable sharing this, and I'm really doing it to provide insight into myself that I feel absolutely no one has ever had the privilege to have. I hope it provides some way to relate emotionally, and sets a good example for conveying your own emotions to others. If you see that other people really do feel and think things this crazy and unrestrained, maybe that will be comforting (maybe unsettling!). I don't mind so much. I know my own intentions behind this, and that will always be enough for me.

Ending? Maybe I'm just fanciful, but I don't like ending these things. There never seems to be a concise point where I can say "It's done!" So I'll try to say some comments or such. This new feeling is a beast. I like to say beef a lot. I have emotions. I read the Bible. Chapels make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I have no religion. I believe deeply in a meaning for life. I have no idea what that meaning is. Sometimes I get real and true senses as to what that meaning is. And I revel in those feelings when they happen. I think the world is a true comfort and shines light onto life's meaning all the time (at least to me it does). I think I'm too young to get married. I think I'd like to, though. I think it's the thing for me. I think it will give my life deep meaning. I suspect I'm not the only one who ever thinks about these things. I think if you're still reading this, you're a hero. Maybe you're my hero! Do I need a hero?

I would like to say I live well. I would love to say people love me. I like chocolate ice cream. I don't know which of all of this is the most significant to me. I don't know if any of it is significant to life. I know life is significant to me. I'm going to keep trying to be the best I can be. I am only who I am, but who am I? I have a dream that I'll be someone who makes life significant for someone else. I will never stop trying. I don't know why. I love. A lot. I probably love you. Maybe even if I don't know you. I don't say love very often. I try to reserve it to give it special meaning. But I think I just end up underusing it. But there is always hope for the future. I think that's a good place to end. Be peaceful, find serenity, farewell for now.

0348

Homework

Been a while since I've posted on this (comparatively, as the objective was to do so daily!). Basically this is just because I've been considerably busy. I've had more homework this week than any previous week probably ever. But it's not so bad, and I wouldn't mind having this much every week. Some of it is rather difficult and therefore frustrating, but this seems to have the best, or at least most immediately noticable rewards upon completion. With Biblical Hebrew, I enjoy doing it the most, but I have no concrete goals outside of the assignment so it's very hard to say when I've done a sufficient amount to be fulfilled.

I'm pushing a little harder this semester, so I expect to make myself do more homework than the bare minimum so I learn things better in general. This is no small order, but I think it will be well worth the effort and is quite managable. An astute reader might wonder - but why? Wouldn't you rather have fun partying and such than learning and doing homework? Somewhat, definitely. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, going out with them, generally being off-the-wall and all such good stuff. But there isn't a certain imperative sense in me to focus on some work right now, so I will not be as liberal with my time as before. Where does this sense come from? Well, from everywhere at once, of course! I couldn't exactly say, through confusion or other accounts, of a definite source. But it's there, and so I must respect it!

So where does that leave me? I'm feeling a little bit older (even though I look a little bit younger! - no more facial hair), a little bit more disenchanted, but at the same time I'm finding some deeper appreciation for things (most importantly of them all: the different people I know) and so really, I'm just becoming enchanted again in a different way. I'll try and remember to talk about my life's enchanted perspective sometime, I'm sure it will be quite out of the ordinary for most people (it's quite a romanticized and poetic outlook and lifestyle, it might seem quite naive to some and completely pointless to others, but I don't mind that much. I never asked anyone to share my thoughts!). So rest assured, my eyes aren't dulled with pragmatism yet!

On a different note, I've started to listen to Sentenced (actually only one album, The Cold White Light) - very melodic death metal (death metal is basically darkly themed metal, it does not involve screaming/guttural singing, that falls under the category of black metal). This right now is supplementing my playlist of more recent Weezer (Red Album, Make Believe, Maladroit, etc.). It's a pretty good combination, and I'm throwing in some Metallica to give it a heavier feel every now and then.

Okie dokie, time for some internationally houred coffee! Stay tuned for more, as this weekend I'll have an in-depth critique/analysis of one of my friend's short stories! It should be oh such an exciting time for you all! Adios.

Sleepy...

Hello again! I'm back, and this time, I'm tired. I got a little bit of sleep last night (around 3 hours), then I woke up early to go to physics lab. It was cool, we messed with electricity and electro-something or others (too many to name!). After that was a loooonnnggg lunch, then a relaxing hang out in Mary Low lounge, followed by a much needed 3 hour nap. Dinner was awesome (chicken crispitos are omgwtfbbq-good! I stuff my face with these like a hampster). After dinner I finally got to start my homework, but this was almost immediately (like wtheck good timing!) interrupted by a demand for Rock Band band practice for this weekend's competition. It was a tense time - tempers were flaring, as people were shaking off the rust and strategies were discussed in heated words (thankfully it was before quiet hours). After this, I dutily trudged back to my room to collect my homework to be done, only to get distracted yet again (thankfully, no negative connotation here!) for a little while.

After all these shenanigans, I finally got to start on physics in earnest, and it went smoothly in the beginning and end, but the middle absolutely destroyed my face with a cudgel the size of a mountainous manifestation of the wrath of YHWH (needless to say, I got frustrated). But, with a few helpful hints from Zach and the determination to keep changing things to try to get it to work, I figured out the two problems that were eating me alive. After this, I was so elated, that I almost looked forward to doing math homework! (Read: NOT AT ALL) However, my math homework (take home math quiz, I estimated it would take 3-4 hours) took all of 3 minutes (literally, like wtf). I assumed for my own sanity that what I accomplished in those 3 minutes was not sufficient for the assignment and that a proof was needed, and I gladly stopped feeling that this was the case (=P).

So yeah, an exceptional day by any standards! My mom might be coming to visit me this weekend, so that should be fun. I guess it's just a good time to smile and be happy. Alrighty, time to go to never never land and dream some crazy dream things. Have a good one!

Dark at Night

It's very dark in here right now - only my keyboard/monitor are lighting the whole of my face and hands. Chris is sleeping and I always try to be as quiet and non-intrusive as possible. Today was a pretty hectic day - my longest school day of the week, all 5 classes! It started off early because I had to study some for Biblical Hebrew, and then I realized I studied the wrong thing for class! Fun... But that class was fun, and then so was physics, calc, linear, and finally New Testament. After all this I worked in the lounge amidst various Heightsies (including Tim) for a little while, until Birds of Shame (RHCP anyone?) had me running out into the snow. Basically, I tripped and the snow wasn't as soft as I had hoped for, so my arm paid the price for it (but at least it looks like I was in a fight with a velociraptor, right???!!). So then nap, dinner, more Heights shenanigans and now I'm sitting here listening to Weezer through my headphones (they're the perfect amount of mellow and goodness for late night listening).

So, what's on my mind you might ask? Well, not a whole lot, I guess. Tomorrow I have lab, then infinite homework for Friday, so that's not concerning to me right now (present me constantly ruins life for future me in those regards, but present me doesn't care and future me never rebukes past me for my transgressions to myself! It's beautiful =)). I'm in a weird state right now, approaching one my my "twilight" moods I like to call them (maybe I'll explain that sometime...), as I'm not really tired, life around me is still, and nothing terribly pressing is on my mind or heart right now. Generally, not a bad situation to be in! But I'll do my best to entertain, as this has been a pretty boring post so far.

I'll let you in on something different - I'm a stereotypical "nice-guy" in my lone time and in my mind most of the time. I am not much for hating anymore, I desire people's happiness, I hope all the time for the best for everyone I know. One of my quirky things is that whenever I see one of the "magical wishing times" on a clock (such as 1:23, 1:11, 11:11, 1:35, 12:34, etc.), I always wish for the happiness or well being of someone close to me. For example, if someone has an up-coming test, I'll simply wish for them to do well or have confidence in their ability to do well. Sometimes it's an all encompassing wish for someone to be happy in general (I usually do this more for those certain girls to whom I am especially inclined. What can I say, I'm a chump and a half?) Continuing off some past post, this might help to explain why I do not get along or stand well people whom I find to be insincere in their intentions. I simply believe there is no reason to be so, as even if someone is as such to gain some advantage, wouldn't it be better to gain that advantage in a good sense? I don't actually believe it is always or by a rule of thumb harder to simply be sincere in all your actions that further your own life. This can get into a grey area unfortunately - what is considered sincere and insincere, and moreover how does that relate to doing good or bad?

I generally view this as being sincere/insincere and being good/bad are mutually exclusive, and are only seen to relate to each other through coincidence. Obviously, we like to believe that someone who is sincere in all their actions will act nicely and in a good sense, but people can be very sincere about doing very bad acts. This makes judging people's *actions* near impossible, as only the intent behind it matters in an ethical/moral sense. You can save the whole world, but if you did it to gain control of the world, well, that's not a very good thing. Some may say the end justifies the means, but I think that's a cop out that allows for some incredibly scary actions (basically free license to do whatever you want, as long as good comes out of it). Is any amount of good ever worth doing evil? Can you murder one person in order to save all the rest? Practically and logically, it's no contest - the answer is yes. But ethically and morally, you can't justify the murder of one for any cause whatsoever (this I assume is my personal stance, I don't think it's inarguable, this may have much to do with my "nice-guy" mentality.

Most people don't know my stances and beliefs on much of anything, because I never really offer them freely. I don't like arguing with people over things that matter to me, because it absolutely tears my "soul" to pieces in a searing fire to have people talk about how little life means to them. When it comes to this matter, I'm simply irreconcilable, and I will not give ground to anyone - life is important, more so than all the petty matters you can throw at me combined. With this information, I assume you can make some accurate estimates about my stance on some "issues" as people like to call them, but I won't explicitly state them now, I have no need or desire. I think one of my ultimate goals in life is to find someone who cares as much about life as I do (not an easy task, I assure you!). I have some good feelings about a few people, but I'll never know until I ask and find out for sure (what a double entendre that was! Oh goodness, I give too much away to the world! I'm so subtle...)

So, does this make me less of the rock-like, razor-edged individual you thought I was? I only have a good idea, not a whole idea, of how most people view me (generally because I only tell people certain things and act in certain ways - this seems rather manipulative, but I'm not doing it out of malice. I simply don't want people to view me in ways I wouldn't view myself, which is strange, because I often say that I don't care how people think about me! This is getting paradoxical! But don't worry, it's not too bad. I don't care how people view me whom I do not care about, that's pretty much to what it boils down. Sometimes I care too much what a certain person *cough*I'm a chump*cough* thinks about me, but I tend to keep it in good moderation, right??? Probably not, I'm nuts). I think I'm just a little too nuts and I try too hard sometimes. But life wouldn't be any fun if I didn't go overboard every now and then! I just have to remember to bring it back to earth every now and again...

So, do I care what people think about me? No, I hate people judging me. I think not keeping an open-mind all the time is bad. (And I'm not perfect myself, but I give a lot of leeway to people..)

So, do I care what people think about me? Hell yes! I hate it when people hate me. If my friends don't like me, then wtf am I doing living amongst all the people of this world?

Okay, I'm deviating and regressing and progressing and transgressing (not really, but it's a fun word!). So, to sum it up....

Birds of Shame, Banana Cream Pie, Judging - Bad, Life - Good, Chump Change/<3 Sick Puppy, Weezer (My Best Friend - GREAT song), It's fudging dark in here, Purring (I'm so tacky), Classes, Homework, Adonai/Jesus/YHWH, etc, etc, etc...

Erm, good night! You're my beeeessstt friend, and I looooovvvveeee youuuu. Yes I do. OAO

Tuesday

So today is Tuesday, the easiest day of my school week. I just have one class: Physics Discussion from 1430 to 1520. This is pretty much the bane of my existence. Last semester we had the same idea once a week, except we did many challenging problems where the professor expected us to know our stuff. This year we go through an average of 4-5 problems per discussion, and the problems are considerably easy. I understand that some people may need help with some of these problems, but honestly, the easiest problem on the homework assignment is about equivalent to the hardest problem during these discussions. It wouldn't even be terrible if the professor spoke to us like we were intelligent, but the way she words things and the questions she asks makes me feel just a tad like a five year old. As boy Sam said: "This [is] an insult to my intelligence." (No disrespect, the professor seems nice enough, but come on...)

But it ended, so it's alright. After getting back, it was time for Linear Algebra homework! I completed that in around 2 hours, not too many issues there. Then dinner happened. Pretty standard - chicken, some kind of ricey thing, cookies, grape/apple juice. My stomach was a little upset and I was feeling a little down, which was weird because I had just finished Linear homework! So I investigated and realized it wasn't Physics Discussion reoccuring in my memory (oh the horror!), it was just the last week or so being played back. Remembering things almost always allows me to dredge up something bad or become disappointed over some minor detail that's happening around me (I've had considerable training around this phenomenon before, and it has stuck around). But oh well, nothing noteworthy. I'm pumping myself up with some Weezer right now, so things are looking on the upside. I only have the second half of Mark, then a good deal of Biblical Hebrew homework left (looking forward to this).

Sometimes I feel like I'm excessively harsh or critical of other people, but honestly I feel like I'm just a little stricter than most. Most people will put up with douche-baggery and general asshats. I don't. I like being an accepting and nice person, but it really gets at me when people act insincerely and hostilely. (This is not the reason why I was upset at dinner, merely a side occurence, go figure) Ah well, I haven't had to fight anyone yet, no reason to start now. I think I've just been in an ornery mood this week. Ah well, I can always just hope someone nice knocks on my door randomly and gives me a genuine occasion to smile out of the ordinary. I think random acts of kindness are some of the most beautiful things in the world.

Alrighty, back to the grind.

Pink Slippers!

So yeah, I have pink fuzzy slippers. A lot of them. I've gotten them consistently for the past few years from my mom for Christmas (<3 you mom!), and I wear them whenever I'm not wearing shoes. Is this just for fashion? Do I have some secret story secluded somewhere? Do I know the answers to the universe? No, probably not. I just like pink, fuzzy slippers. They're fun. Sometimes people judge me negatively for them, think I'm gay, all that jazz. It's cool, people are always free to think what they want of me, it doesn't bother me as deeply as some people might imagine. Basically - I'm weird, and that's an important thing to know. I don't exactly know why, but I don't think it really matters. I think it just makes me all the more charming! =)

But I feel compelled to state this here, as I've never stated it anywhere or to anyone before. I don't tell people how smart I am, I don't allude to it, I don't act to show my level of intelligence, I don't live up or down to some intellectual standard, and I don't try to impress people with my knowledge or reasoning skills. It's a simple fact: I don't know how smart I am, or even a good estimate. The best I have is that I'm probably smarter than your average bear, but I couldn't really prove that, and I don't ever care to do so. I don't have a means by which to compare myself that gives me any satisfaction whatsoever, so I place no value in knowing (some people say IQ tests tell you, but how much do they really tell you? Take one, and then practice doing problems similar to the ones you saw, and then take another. Did it go up?). Some people might say that's not being intellectually responsible for a man of education (even said as "higher education"), but I think that's absurd and a way for "smart" people to plug their own intelligences and feel good about themselves. Like I states before, I'm not arrogant, and I want no place in arrogance.

I've long struggled with the idea of my own intelligence, and if I should care or not about it. By others' words, I've come to some conclusions. It appears I have an easier time getting good grades in classes with the same amount of "effort" put into it. There are a few possible explanations for this. One is simply that I care more about classes I do well in - this is true. I love to learn and doing work for a class is one way I can learn and solidify that learned knowledge in my long term memory. Another reason is that I'm more naturally tuned to being receptive of class-related knowledge. Classes are usually all taught similarly with an emphasis on memorization and using connections to strengthen the memories you intake. I seem comparably "good" at memorizing things, such as song lyrics, numbers, names, faces, etc. This is only from my experiences with others telling me their own difficulties in such areas. I'm sure there are those who have better memories than me, so they should be able to exceed me in memory-related work. Is this the case? I unfortunately have little experience of this, as I have not actively sought out people with good memory and asked them for their grades.

Another potential reason is that I am more focused on the work I do than those who get worse grades. I think this is directly related to having a desire to learn the material with which you are working - if you don't like something, how motivated are you to learn it? I believe my natural motivation in my love of learning new things gives me another perceived "edge" in grades. By this logic, it would be easy for anyone to out-score me in subjects they really enjoy, or at least do comparably well, which I find more often than not is the case! This seems to be progress! But is this enough to show that I'm not smarter than everyone else?

The next thing I'd like to look at is the effort put in to getting good grades. And this here is the real killer - almost everything relies on it, and this is a very natural idea. The heart of it is: the harder one works at something, the more comparably well they'll do on it versus anyone else. I will admit that while I may have worked for less total time (still up for debate) on school related matters to get good grades, I put in considerable effort to get good grades when I wanted them. This is why I am of the firm belief that (at least up through high school and seemingly now the beginning of college) almost anyone can get any grades they want, be them good, bad, amazing or terrible. Now what does this say about my intelligence? Well, not too much. It says that I may or may not be smarter than any of my former classmates, but that I put in more effort than most of them. Unfortunately, I can not know for certain how much effort any chosen student at random put in, so I don't actually know how I compare. I assume (with some degree of confidence), that I at least put in more than the *average* student, so that means my base grade level should be above average. It was well above average, among the highest, but without knowing my true comparable effort level, we can't make further conclusions about my intelligence based on grades.

So grades are out, they don't really tell that much about a person except how much effort they were willing to put in to get those grades (some people will argue this more, but to me it's a safe assumption, as to some extent, even a genius can't get A's without actually *doing* the work and taking tests, no matter how easy they may be to him/her). What else can I look at to find out how smart I am? Well, there are many things, and I'm not sure how many I can get through or even think of right now, but I'll try to go over some relevant ones, or at least those that come to mind.

Social interactions! What a good way to tell how smart someone is. Someone can't be an idiot and be charming, can they? (Am I charming? That's a *bit* of a stretch...) Unfortunately I believe that this area only has limited amounts to say about someone's "intelligence." (I should probably give a clear definition of intelligence at some point, but I think anyone who reads this gets the idea - just a general/overarching definition of intelligence will suffice)

Okay, so, social interactions. Someone who is dumb naturally will be clueless and not interact well with people, right? Not necessarily. While it may be true that an unintelligent person may be more prone to say the wrong thing or act "like an idiot," absolutely anyone can say the wrong thing to someone by "reading" him/her incorrectly. This is a fairly tried and tested truth of human kind - it appears in almost every TV show, book, song (less so, but it still stands), etc of pop culture and even classical culture. It seems an unrelenting problem of mankind that we simply don't understand other people as perfectly as we'd like. I feel like this mainly has to do with personal experiences and interpretation/learning from those experiences, and even as basic as differing personalities.

It's hard to relate to someone who has gone through something radically different than we ever have (in fact, it's near impossible). One usually relates through similar emotional feelings - anguish, depression, elation, humility, embarrassment (like I just felt, never knew there were two r's in embarrassment!), etc. While these emotions are universe, people interpret and feel things differently by the fact that people are simply not all uniform. We vary in every way, and especially when it comes to life experiences. No two lives even have *similar* life experiences, AT BEST. If you lived with someone your whole life and constantly did everything together, your actual experiences and interpretations of them would be so radically different it's amazing people could compare them at all. But luckily, we can through analogy and relations.

We obviously have not experienced a particular death of a particular relative, but we probably have experiences A death of A relative, so we can relate through analogy. We assume people feel similarly about similar events and happenings, which isn't a bad assumption, because we all make it. However, it can lead to some disappointing results. People are naturally different from each other in many ways (usually we lump them all together under the title of personality), so people will naturally draw different conclusions from similar or exactly the same events (and feelings, etc). Thus, when we assume we know how someone feels due to certain stimuli, we can easily be wrong, and not just a little wrong (as is probably usually the case), we can be *very* wrong.

This all comes together to basically show that just because someone has bad interpretations of how someone is feeling or what would be a good thing to say, that person isn't necessarily unintelligent (even the most egregious errors can be made by the most intelligent of people, so comfort yourself if you've ever made a fool of yourself). This means that someone who IS good at reading people and saying the right thing may just have had similar experiences, interprets things in the right way, is lucky, or may actually know their stuff. With such an array of options, it would be necessary to specify *how often* someone gets it right or knows what to say. If they always seem to know what to say or do, with many different people, there may be some credit to their intelligence (it seems that probability would limit them always being right, but don't forget, it still IS possible for someone unintelligent to always get it right. Fun, eh?) But, aside from crazy chance, we can safely assume that someone who always knows the right thing to say is smart, right?

Unfortunately we can't say that yet (you're pissed now, aren't you?). There are many books, guides, general knowledge, info, etc that one can find anywhere to help aid them to understanding the signs and emotions of others and what to say/how to act/what to cook them for dinner. These info manuals have accumulated and tried/tested knowledge from many different people/sources to allow any individual to deal with a wide variety of situations, should they so choose to read this. Okay, so now anyone (for convenience we'll say anyone) can be good at speaking and be all charming and suave and persuasive. Great. What does this leave us?

Well for one, it is negatively stigmatized in our society to seek out info like that (some people would say it's "creepy"), so this would probably be in the minority of cases, or at the very least not the majority (although we can't rule that out, only a "safe" assumption). Also, it is important to note that anyone who is *concerned* with their appearance as intelligent or charming/suave would know not to say anything when they don't know the right thing to say, and take educated risks to almost always come out on top. This does not seem like a ridiculous thing to do, as people obviously don't want to be ridiculed for being an idiot or fool, so most people would do this to some degree, but I believe most people would not take it all the way as to make themselves the ultimate melters of hearts. So, we still have a tiny hope that this can tell us something about how intelligent someone is.

Alright, so now how does this part relate to me? Well, we have that I get good grades, so this may show that I'm above average in intelligence. And I'll say that I'm at least decent (hard to judge, but I'm trying hard here!) at knowing what to say/what to do in certain situations. And luckily for this conversation I usually don't restrain myself from sounding like an idiot as I honestly like to help people to the best of my abilities. I will note here that I don't actively give out information or advice as not to sound arrogant (this may really limit me sometimes), as I HATE sounding arrogant that much. This means I may choose my words more carefully than the average person, but again, only a safe assumption.

Okay, so with this thus far I have an accumulated intelligence level of (anticipation is killing me right now!): slightly above average, at best. How exciting. Now you see why I hate it when people tell me I'm arrogant, I've gone to good lengths to describe how smart I am, and I don't even come out on top! Sometimes I amaze myself. (Some cynical people here can note that I may be using reverse psychology to trick you and maybe even myself, but I doubt that ;))

Alright, what else is there to look at? I'm sure there are quite a few things, and I'd appreciate suggestions for future investigations! Right now I'm trying hard and not much is coming to mind. I could talk about my linguistic abilities, my writing abilities, my critical reading abilities, etc but it all seems to relate to the general topic of school work, and most of it is subjective anyways (anyone can construct essays, poems, short stories, literature, and it's all subjective whether or not it's good, great, terrible, bad, etc. Try finding a list agreed upon by everyone what the top 100 books/movies/songs/etc in the world are, and you'll understand.

Okay, so, at my current state I stand at best slightly abover average intelligence. Not a bad place to stand, I say. I hope to revisit this topic often, as it really interests me, being a part of me, I guess. I think quite a few people will be surprised to read this, and tell me I'm severely underestimating myself, but am I being so unreasonable? I'm trying to get at the idea that intelligence is just a flimsy idea at best, and relies mostly on perception/reputation of individuals. It has a lot to do with my stance on judgements/open-mindedness/etc. I just don't like people judging other people on what I believe to be superficial things. I care a lot about ethics/morals/being a good person. So to me, it's easy to be intelligent if you believe in doing what you think is good, and accomplishing it through good means (it's all subjective of course, but it's the INTENT that's really important here).

Alrighty, until next time (which probably won't be until tomorrow, thankfully), have a good time and stay safe. Consider what intelligence means, maybe. Up to you. (I've done my part so far!)

Wow, pink (Classes too)

Okay, I just realized how pink this thing is. I'm so sorry. And I'm even more sorry for you that I'm keeping it. Oh well, life sucks, right?

I figured I might as well talk about the current investment of my life's time at this moment: classes! I'm a second semester (or third if you really like, but JanPlan doesn't *really* count) freshman at Colby College way up in moose-land, Maine. First semester I took four classes because everyone told me not to take five (Physics - Mechanics, Honors Calc I, Intro to Old Testament, and Philosophy - Nature and God). Then they told me again. Unfortunately for me, I listened to them, and had next to no homework most of the time, and just generally hung out and relaxed. Not bad for a first semester of getting acclimated to college, but honestly, I'm at college to learn more than I've ever learned before, and to learn it well. If I'm not trying my hardest all the time, I'm missing something I shouldn't be.

Anyways, this semester I went against the grain, slapped on an independent study of Biblical Hebrew (more on that later), and I'm up to five! The new four are H Calc II, Linear Algebra, Intro to New Testament, and Physics - Electromagnetism and Optics. This semester has so far proven to be quite fruitful in the work department, netting me hours of glorious homework each night! I will have to see if this is too tiring to continue upping it next semester, as I plan to take Russian then (what's a whole new alphabet when I've already learned three?). Oh well, my possible majors of religion/math/physics are all vying for time, so time will tell how things go. Biblical Hebrew right now is making me work harder because I'm making it hard for myself - I'm learning to write with my left hand solely because those who wrote it originally wrote left handed! I know, I'm a purist, I'm eccentric, I'm a masochist, I'm insane, etc. Other than that, the work for my classes isn't too intense, but is very challenging. It's got me going to bed earlier and doing work not at the very last minute (good, eh?).

I guess that's all there is to say about classes at this moment, other than my sheer, raw ambition will drive me through walls before it stops! Not necessarily a bad thing, but we'll see.

Mission: Start

Hi hi hi there!

I'm starting a real web log now of my events because my sister tells me people want to know things about me, and I guess I'm just not good enough at keeping people informed (at least back at home!). So that being the case, I'm going to update this basically with my day to day thoughts, what happens to me, how things are going and anything else really that I feel like at the time (maybe poetry and short stories??? Ooooohhhh exciting!). My old "blog" was basically a place to put "literature" I had written, and I never wrote directly about myself, so this is a fresh start on a new idea for me.

The real reason I've never had a blog before (besides thinking that my thoughts weren't very interesting to anyone but me) is that it becomes way too easy for people to interpret personal thoughts and feelings as one being arrogant, and that probably annoys me more than anything else in this world. *I am a very humble person, so if you get the impression that I mean that I'm better than someone else, that impression is wrong! It's that simple, I used to be a very confidenceless and self-loathing teenager, so now that I actually have some self-confidence I'm very proud of that fact. So please, I mean no harm if I come across in huge waves of hubris. I hope it doesn't happen.*

Now to move away from such drab negativity, I hope anyone who does read this finds out a little something more about me (if they want to), or at the very least is entertained in some way by anything I have to say. I can't promise anything amazing, but I'll try my best! Now, is that a cop out or a real assessment?